I've written elsewhere about the three types of sex in a long-term relationship: Simple Sex, Sensual Sex and Spicy Sex. I thought I’d write a little more on Simple Sex.

In a society that focuses on the ‘bigger harder faster’ type of sex, you could be mistaken into thinking that good sex is all about swinging upside down from the chandeliers. It’s not. It can be, but sometimes it’s good to be short, sweet and simple. Just comforting, nothing more, like a cup of tea, or a hot buttered muffin.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately as I’m doing a joint project with Marie Stopes International. My role is to educate new parents on what to expect and how to adapt to sex when you’ve got babies and small children.

One of the key messages is: Keep It Simple. Don’t stop having sex, or as I’d prefer to stress at that time of your life, don’t stop making love, but keep your expectations low. She’s tired, zombified, probably in a mild state of shock from this major life change. He’s tired, perplexed and probably feeling a little helpless and left out. So, keep your connection strong with cuddles and Simple Sex.

This “Keep It Simple” principle applies at other times of life too, especially when it’s all getting a bit much or you’re stressed or run down. Have Simple Sex for the cuddles and connection. It’s comforting and nurturing and supportive.

Remember that sex is about pleasure not about performance. It’s also about gentle connection not necessarily about vigorous activity. If one of you isn’t up to anything intense, the other keeps it simple and gentle.

You can have the extended sensual sessions and you can bring back the spicy sex, but there are times in your life when a cup of tea is all you need.

I’m going to talk about solo sex.

That’s right, masturbation, wanking, self-pleasuring, or as they refer to it in the ancient Taoist sexual tracts, self-cultivation. Why is this? Because the ability to self-pleasure is an important aspect of sexual empowerment and sexual development.

Unfortunately, it has had a bad rap over recent centuries. It has been seen as something unpleasant, even sinful, and so done furtively and secretly. I mean, when was the last time you had in-depth conversations with your friends on your favorite masturbatory techniques? Or as an adolescent did your parents encourage you to self-pleasure to explore your budding sexuality? I doubt it. Which is a shame, because it would have made a positive difference to your experience of sex.

It’s never too late, and I encourage everyone to enjoy the pleasures of solo sex. It’s a healthy part of everyone’s sex life, whether you’re single or partnered. People often think it’s secondary to partnered sex, and only something you’d do if you weren’t getting “the real thing”. But solo sex is fabulous in its own right, and when done well can enhance your ability to have better partnered sex.

When I say 'when it's done well' I mean when it's done mindfully. Sex is a great mindfulness practice, solo or partnered, and practicing mindful solo sex makes it easier to stay in a connected, present state with partnered sex.

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For men, through masturbation you can learn to manage your level of arousal and control your ejaculation. For men who want to learn the skill of having orgasms without ejaculation, self-cultivation is an essential part of learning that skill.

It’s unfortunate that adolescent boys tend to masturbate so furtively and quickly; no wonder so many adult men have problems with premature ejaculation – they’ve trained themselves to come quickly! If this is your problem, or your partner’s, you can retrain yourself through solo practice. And if you have sons, tell them to take it slowly! I told my own this to my eldest son when he was 13 years old. His response was a predictably disgusted: “Aw, Mum, do you have to talk about that! Then, after a thoughtful pause, “Really?”

(It must be hard at times having a sex therapist as a mother, although he did top the year in sex education. I was so proud!)

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For those with vulvas rather than penises, solo sex is essential to your sexual confidence and heightened sexual response. Too often we only experience ourselves as sexual beings in relation to a man. That is, we need a man involved to feel sexual. The first step in sexual empowerment is to feel sexual just asourselves and this means feeling sexualby ourselves too. Once you have this feeling of cultivated sexuality you can take it into partnered sex for a far more satisfying experience.

So ladies, make love to yourselves regularly. Set the scene with music and subdued lighting, enjoy the feel of your body with creams or oils. Then take your time to arouse yourself. You can do it on the bed, in the bath, or as one previously anorgasmic client of mine did, on the shag pile in her walk-in robe surrounded by all her favorite clothes!

The goal of any sex, even solo sex, is not just orgasm, but also the sensations en route to orgasm. As with the men, you can learn to manage your arousal and your orgasms. Although in contrast to the men - who in general will be learning to delay orgasm - you’ll generally be learning to bring on orgasm and to expand and multiply orgasms, lucky women that we are!

If your reaction to all this talk about self-cultivation is one of aversion, or “I couldn’t possibly”, then all I can say to you is that I wish you could see the radiant beams of clients who couldn’t orgasm until they learnt to self-pleasure. And I wish you could see the radiant beams of their partners too!

As one of the participants boldly stated in the closing activity of a Luscious Woman Workshop recently as we all danced around in a circle and took turns to make our statements: “I dare to expand my sexuality through embracing self-pleasure!”

I invite you to dare too.

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Mindful masturbation - it's a great practice for a mindful love life.

1 May 2019

Today I am 55 years of age. It feels somehow special. I feel I’ve ‘arrived’ at a new stage somehow. I didn’t feel this when I turned 50, although that was significant too. Fifty-five feels strong, wise, powerful.

I woke up with the phrase 'Own the Crone' going through my mind.

It comes from the three classical stages of woman: maiden, mother and crone.

It’s the ‘maiden’, the young woman, who has been considered the most desirable, the most sexual in our society. We glorify youth, the beauty, the vibrancy of the young. That’s what’s considered sexually desirable.

The ‘mother’ phase of a woman’s life, well, this has been when she's considered the most ‘useful’ – as long as she had children of course, god forbid if she didn’t and remained a ‘spinster’. But was she sexual? Ah, no.

And as for the crone, that dried up older woman. What use was she? She’s past it, a post-menopausal has-been.

Hardly! I’ve never felt more confident, more capable, healthier or more sexually juiced up in my life! So, I’m coming out loud and proud about my age to be a beacon of inspiration for women of all ages.

I know I’ve reached this stage so hale and hearty of mind, body and soul because I’ve attended to all aspects of my being through all stages of my life. I’ve treated my body as a temple, got in touch with my emotions, developed my intellect and cultivated my spirituality. I’ve pursued purposeful work, had meaningful relationships and connected with nature. It has been an holistic, integrated approach to life.

And I’ve always sensed the importance of a quality sex life as part of that. Over the years my sexuality has changed, depending on whatever was going on in life. When I was young it was more straightforward and physical. When I had young children, it was simpler and more tender. As I grew older and more adventurous, I explored all types of more ‘exotic’ sexual experiences. And in more recent years it has evolved into experiences of the most beautiful depth and richness, experiences of extraordinary mindful, bodyful, soulfulness.

I do believe that when the Eastern traditions say that our sexual energy is transmuted into our life energy, they are right. Keeping our sexual energy flowing keeps our life energy flowing. Sexual energy is a pro-creative energy. Not just for creating new life in the form of children, but for creating our own life and everything in it, keeping us vibrant and creatively engaged with life.

No ‘anti-aging’ products or cosmetic surgery for me. I’m owning the crone!

For centuries we had the Madonna - Whore polarity, good girl versus bad girl: bad girls put out, good girls are virtuous. You fuck the whore but not your pure, chaste wife. Female sexuality was only there to serve men's sexuality: the good girls provided offspring and the bad girls provided pleasure - and never the twain would meet.

Then that ridiculous notion changed with the sexual revolution of the 1960’s and 70’s. Finally we believed that sex was good and we should like sex - hip hip hooray, sexual freedom and liberation for all!!!

But has it really changed?

I think that to a large extent we simply replaced the good girl versus bad girl split with the Porn Star versus Prude. That sexual freedom only translated into the freedom to act like a porn star: do me big boy, yeah yeah - or…nothing, zip. You’re the Prude.

Too many people think that sexual freedom means acting like a porn star, doing things for free that a high-class escort would only do for serious money. Oral, anal, threesomes, moresomes. you name it, they do it, because they’re oh so cool and sexually free. (Mind you, they often have to be drugged up or drunk to do it…) Until they come to see me some years later, shamed, disgusted, hating sex - and buying into the old model that women don’t like sex.

They become 'prudes'. Now, there’s no problem with any kind of sexual activity, tame or extreme, as long as it’s real. If anal fisting is your thing, fantastic, fist away. If it’s not, don’t do it. Simple.

Liberation is supposed to be about the freedom to be yourself, not confirm to externally imposed rules or authority. It’s not trading one dysfunctional model for another.

The sexually frustrated and compromised women who fought for sexual freedom weren’t fighting for their daughters and grand-daughters to become unpaid whores.

We need another round of sexual liberation for women, one that provides real choice, a real ability to tap into a woman’s true sexuality and be real about her expression - then, and only then will women be free.

Until women are truly sexually free, men won’t be. We all need sexual re-liberation.

“When one is pretending, the whole body revolts”.

This is a brilliant quote by the early 20th century erotic author Anais Nin. What it means is: when people pretend during sex, when it's an act rather than true expression, then over time their body (and soul) revolts.

I see this revulsion often. It can be a slow decline into general disinterest, or a build-up of revulsion and disgust about the sex act.

While this applies to both sexes, it particularly applies to women. This is because physically it’s easier for women to pretend and/or put up with pretense than it is for a man, and because historically under patriarchy it was the expectation that women would 'put up' with sex, so it's ingrained in our social psyche.

This ‘pretending’ can come in two forms:

1) It can be what I call “obligation sex” - when someone has sex simply because they think they “should”, that it is in some way an obligation on them. It might be to keep their partner happy (or to stop them whining about it), it might be because they think that’s part of the marriage contract, it might be because they’ve had five dates and now they feel they have to “put out”. It can even be well-intentioned, but unfortunately, it’s still destructive.

The trouble with obligation sex is that over time it deadens the person who feels obligated. And yes, I mean the whole person. I find that if you have sex that you don’t enjoy it saps your essence, your vitality. Naomi Wolf in her wonderful book “Vagina” cites some interesting research around how sexual abuse numbs people, so they lose focus, joy and meaning in life. I believe this happens in a subtler way with on-going obligation sex, creating low-level sexual trauma which numbs a person, so they lose the joy in life.

I have no doubt that was in part how women were kept as second-class citizens for so long, stuck in economic marriages, with no knowledge of their sexuality, being dutiful wives meeting their husbands' needs. It sounds old-fashioned, but I see modern versions of this all the time.

2) Then there are the people who think that sex should be a certain way, and so act that way when having sex, even though they don’t really like it. I see this particularly in people who think that sex should be like in the movies, lots of action and passion, doing wild and crazy things. Now, there is nothing wrong with action and passion and wild and crazy things if it is real for you at that time and in that moment!

But if it’s not real, if you’re having wild sex with one person or many different people, especially if it’s drug or alcohol-fuelled (as it so often is), then it will build up that ‘revulsion’ that Anais Nin refers to, and sex will become a distasteful thing.

I see this particularly in younger women who’ve bought into the porn-star approach to sex. So they have had lots of sex with lots of people, and have become jaded and repulsed by the whole thing to a point where they often start buying into the myth that women don’t like sex. Hey! They’ve tried acting like porn stars and that didn’t work, so the opposite must be true! (Which is not to say you can't have sex with lots of people, just make sure you do it because it's real for you!)

The key is to be in touch with yourself, which is why I don’t advocate drug or alcohol-fuelled sex because drugs are all about being out of touch with yourself. You need to be in touch with yourself so that you know if what you are doing is right for you. Too many women, and a lot of men too, get drunk so that they can put up with obligation sex with their partners, and way too many people get off their faces so that they can put on a good act with their regular partner or the “randoms” that they pick up while they’re out. Neither approach is sex-positive, both build revulsion and harm the individual engaging in it.

You must trust yourself and your body. You must know your boundaries and stay within them. You must know what you need to enjoy and benefit from sex, in the moment, and be able to communicate that with your partner, whether that’s a long-term partner or a passing encounter. That's how sex stays a wondrous form of self-expression that enhances all aspects of your life!

The standard approach to sex is rather like a three-course meal, it proceeds in set stages: you kiss a bit, fondle a bit (maybe give her an orgasm), then have vigorous intercourse until he comes. The End.

It’s not a bad model for sex, but it’s limited, and can get pretty boring over time.

I suggest you take a less lineal approach to sex and think of it less like a three-course meal and more like a picnic. At a picnic everything is available in front of you, and you can pick and choose whatever you want, in whatever quantity, at whatever pace, and in whatever order you please.

So, at a picnic you can have dips-quiche-pavlova if you like, but you don’t have to. You can just have dips, you can go straight to the pavlova, you can go quiche-dips-dips-quiche-pavlova-quiche-dips-pavlova. You don’t even have to eat - you can just sit and drink champagne, you’re still having a picnic.

It’s the same with sex: you can do whatever you like, in whatever order you like, at whatever pace you like, in whatever quantities you like. You can intersperse bouts of intercourse with bouts of oral or other genital stimulation. You can stop and have a cup of tea and chat before resuming; you can get up and have a dance; you can read some erotica to each other; you don’t have to have intercourse; you don’t have to have an orgasm; you can stay in orgasmic states; you don’t have to stop when he comes - he doesn’t even have to come.

In this way your lovemaking ebbs and flows, with peaks and valleys. You get into a gorgeous flow of experience. There may be orgasms or there might not, it doesn’t matter, it’s not about orgasm it’s about sharing pleasure. You may find yourselves in states of extraordinarily high arousal, better than orgasm, you may even find yourselves in altered states of consciousness.

You both let go into the experience. One may naturally be the leader, more commanding, and the other more receptive, more yielding - if that’s how your eroticism works. Or you might flow from one approach to the other seamlessly if that’s how it goes for you.

There is no ‘right’ way or ‘wrong’ way of making love in this model. It’s simply whatever evolves for that couple at that point in time.

With this approach the age or physical capability of the couple doesn’t matter. All you need is the ability to connect and flow with the moment.

For modern couples - more used to sex as being a process and a performance - this is a radically different approach. It might feel weird at first, but over time you’ll get better and better at letting yourselves go and proceeding in any way that feels just right, for you.

What is your bedroom like? Is it a relaxing and rejuvenating place separate from the cares of the world?

When you walk into your bedroom, do you go “Aaahh!” and smile because you feel more restful just being there?

If you answered “Yes” to these questions, then well done! Your bedroom is as it should be, and because of this you probably find that sex is something you can transition into fairly easily.

If it’s not, then it’s redecoration time! Think about colors and textures, music and lighting. Ban all technology except for your music player. Remove family photos other than happy romantic photos of the two of you. And keep it tidy. Now it will feel like a sanctuary. You’ll be able to walk across the threshold of your bedroom and leave the cares of the world behind, entering into a peaceful place where you can wind down and chill out together.

Yes, chill out together.

I find that too many people only use their bedroom for sleep and sex, so they don’t go to the bedroom unless they’re planning one or both of those activities. Then it can get a bit awkward about how to move into some sexual activity. Or they wait until they’re already under the covers, and by then one or both of them really can’t be bothered, they’d rather sleep!

I’ll admit that I include myself in that category. Once my head hits the pillow it’s sleep time!

I encourage you to start using your bedroom as a place of mutual chill-out and connection. Take a cup of tea, a mug of hot chocolate or a glass of wine in with you and sit on your bed and simply chat. Play good music. Have the lighting set at a relaxing level. Lounge on the pillows. Massage each other’s feet as you talk. Whatever. Then you will probably find it’s easier to transition into some sensual touch, kissing, sensual undressing, and voila – you’re making love!

This approach to “getting to sex” works if either one or both of you are having trouble initiating or getting going. It may be that you’re not leading up to it well. I’ve written elsewhere about beforeplay - what you do before you start to get sexual. Get that right and things flow into sex more easily and more naturally.

Or not. This is not just a way to get sex happening. More importantly, it’s a way to get the two of you bonding and connecting in an intimate way. It’s important that you learn to spend time with each other in this way without it necessarily leading to sex, so there’s no pressure or expectation.

Having this easy connection between you, with open communication, is how you will have both the desire for sex, the ability to communicate where you’re at in relation to sex, and the time and space to create and consummate that desire.

No, I’m not talking about getting your knickers off!

I’m talking about talking about your sex. That in itself can be sexy and extend the deliciousness of the sexual interaction. It’s also the only way you’re going to give each other quality feedback.

Now, if you have the kind of sex where you do it late at night when you’re both exhausted and he rolls off after his ejaculation and falls asleep immediately, then you’re not going to be able to debrief straight after. However, the more you move away from that three-course-meal approach to sex and more to a picnic approach the easier it will be to communicate during the love-making session, and be in a good space afterwards so that you can keep talking. In fact, you can’t do the picnic approach to sex without talking about it, it would be as limiting as a picnic without conversation (keeping in mind that of course there are times at both a picnic and sex where there’s no need to talk at all…)

When I say ‘debrief’, I don’t mean something heavy. Make it light and fun: What went well? What did you do differently? What could have been done a little differently? You can have a good giggle about the good bits, pat yourselves on your backs for new discoveries, analyse why it was good or how it could be better, and ditch anything that just didn’t work…

This applies as much to comparatively small changes, such as playing music in the bedroom, to really out-there sexual activity, such as exploring swinging. You have to talk about how it was for you and where to from here.

Just lie there together and chat, or get up and make a cup of tea and sit up and have a more involved chat. If you really do have to fall asleep, make a date to discuss things later, while having a walk together or sitting on your balcony looking out at the stars…

The more free you feel to share your experience, the easier it is to take on board what works for you as individuals and as a couple, the safer you’ll feel exploring, and the whole sex thing becomes so much more enjoyable and satisfying.


If you need help at getting better at sexy debriefing, book in for private sex therapy sessions at The Love Life Clinic.

You can tell when a woman is really aroused: her face glazes over.

She’ll feel kind of “stoned” or “love drunk” on the inside and she’ll look it on the outside.

At that point her brain is switching off (or at least, the left “logical” side of her brain), and her speech centres shut down so she can’t really talk. It’s quite an altered state of consciousness.

When she gets to that state she’s acting on pure feeling, there’s no control or planning or thinking that she should or shouldn’t do something. She just is. That’s when her sexual expression becomes pure and real.

Interestingly, it’s also when she can become the wildest. Because at that point the limiting beliefs and thought processes that get in the way of true sexual expression aren’t functioning - so she’s truly free.

Some women drink alcohol or take party drugs as a short cut to get to this stage, where the inhibitions are gone and she’s feeling free. That’s not a healthy way to get there though. It’s far better to get there naturally.

This requires real letting-go, which is tricky for modern women with all the busyness in our heads. The difficulty is compounded by past hurts or resentments that keep us on our guard. And the current porno approach to sex where it’s all about acting rather than expressing means women will never get there because they have to “do” rather than “be”.

The paradox is, that if you want to truly be the way those porn actresses are acting - wild and free and really into it - you need to build up to it, take the time to get love drunk.

You can’t force love drunk, there’s no quick fix. Although having said that, the more a woman keeps her sexual energy simmering, and the more trained she is at letting go (through meditation for example), then the easier it is for her to get there. And of course, she has to feel completely safe with her partner, so it’s vital that the two of you are getting on exceptionally well and that she trusts you implicitly.

Get her love-drunk and she’ll take you both to heaven…

Can you makeover your sex life?

Of course you can! That’s what I’m all about.

Essentially a makeover is when you realise you’re not living up to your potential in some area of life and you set about changing that. Many people simply accept their “lot” in life, excusing even the possibility of change with beliefs that: “I’m too old”, “I’m too poor”, “I’m too whatever”. Other people realise that we have agency to create our own lives, so it’s up to us to choose to be however we want to be. This applies as much to sex as any other part of life.

In fact, I think a sexual makeover is essential to any other life makeover. We are essentially sexual creatures, our sexuality is fundamental to our being, and therefore to our well-being. So if you’re considering a lifestyle makeover, you’ve got to include sex.

Sometimes people say to me that they’ll fix the other “stuff” before they address sex.

I say, no, Sex is at the base of all life! So start at the base!

Start transforming your sexuality and you’ll start transforming your life.

This is one of the things I love about sex. Once you really start looking at your sexuality and working on your sex life, everything changes. It can’t help but change. It’s potent stuff.

So how do you go about a sexual makeover?

As with any makeover:

1. Acknowledge that you need to do it.
2. Believe that it’s possible.
3. Clarify your desired outcome.
4. Get the advice or support or inspiration that you need.
5. Do it!

It’s up to you to take the first step.

From then on other people can help you.

So much of what I do is dispelling the myths around sex that hold us back. Anyone can improve their sex life if they choose to. If I can do anything for you at all, I can help you believe that improvement is possible.

Most people have no idea of our human sexual potential. There’s so little information around about what sex is, why it exists, how it helps us, how it can manifest. Most of the West still seems to be milling around primary school level, when there’s veritable post-graduate possibilities out there!

Clearly, I firmly believe in step four. Whether it’s private coaching and therapy, attending workshops and retreats, or reading and listening to books, blogs and podcasts there’s tons of advice, support and inspiration to be had. There’s an increasing amount of sex-positive information and services available these days.

Then once again, it’s up to you to take the fifth step. You can have all the guidance and support in the world - you’re the only one who can do it.

Transform your sex life - transform your life - transform the world!

Seriously, imagine if everyone in the world made over their sex life and was having great sex, how much happier would this planet be!