I’ve spoken to hundreds of heterosexual men at the most intimate levels about their sex lives. I always ask them what it is they love most about sex. And do you know what the answer is?

If you have an old-fashioned view of sex, that ‘men have their needs’ and that really they are just animalistic creatures who need to get their end in to get their rocks off then you’d probably say something like: having an orgasm.

But no. All the men, bar a couple of complete jerks, have told me that what they love best about sex is their partner’s pleasure. Yes: the more pleasure she has, the more pleasure he has...

This makes sense because women have greater potential for sexual response than men. Men are a bit limited in the sexual response area, especially if you think of sex as penis activity - penises can only last so long and can generally only have the one orgasm and then they’re done.

Women however can last and last. Women can really go places sexually. And when a woman goes places sexually, she takes her man along with her.

So it makes sense that men love to please sexually - they’re doing it for their own pleasure!

It’s hard for a lot of women to believe this though. The number of times I’ve had couples sitting on the couch together and the man is saying: “Yes, I want her to enjoy sex, I don’t enjoy it if she doesn’t.” And she’s replying with a disbelieving: “Nah, that’s not true, you just want to have sex.”

Or a wife will say: “But I’m giving you sex twice a week, what’s the problem?” And the man will reply: “I don’t want you to give me sex, I want you to want it and enjoy it!”

Over and over again the men say to me that if she’s not enjoying it, then he’s not enjoying it.

Men are not animalistic creatures. To some extent they were forced to in the bad old days when society thought women weren’t sexual and men were, so a man needed to be ‘serviced’ regularly. It was nothing more than men masturbating inside their wives.

More aware modern men, who know that women are sexual, don’t want that, because it is just masturbation. In fact it’s worse than masturbation because it leaves him feeling unloved and undesired. He might get some stress relief at a physical level, but at an emotional level it can be damaging. Far better to actually masturbate. Which is what a lot of men do in preference to unconnected, unwanted obligation sex.

This is why advising that women should ‘just do it’ and ‘take one for the team’ will never satisfy either sex, because men don’t want obligation sex.

Men want to be wanted. They want sex to be good. They want her to have a great time, and they’ll do their best to make sure she does - for both their benefits.

Most of us have fetishes of some kind or another. If you’re lucky, they’re socially acceptable, and not even considered fetishes - such as if you’re a woman who gets turned on wearing lace knickers or stiletto shoes; but if your fetishes are not socially acceptable - such as if you’re a man who gets turned on wearing lace knickers or stiletto shoes, well, then you’ve got problems. For example, in our society in general:

• Women are permitted to find wearing lacy knickers erotic, men are not.

• If you’re a man who has a fetish for women’s breasts, you’re considered completely normal. If you’re a man who has a fetish for women’s feet, you’re considered abnormal. Simply because society considers breasts to be sexual parts of the body, but not feet. Feet lovers are considered to be deviant.

• If you’re a woman who feels sexy in a tight silk dress, you’re normal. But if you’re a woman who feels sexy in a tight latex dress, you’re abnormal. Simply because society deems silk to be acceptable material for dresses, but not latex. Latex wearers are considered to be deviant.
  
  
• If you find the sensation of a feather tickling your skin pleasurable, you’re normal; if you find the sensation of a leather paddle striking your skin, you’re not. Simply because tickling sensations are considered sexually normal, but not spanking sensations. Spanking is considered to be deviant.

What is considered problematic, is if the fetish interferes with the person’s life so that they can’t function in society normally, such as if it becomes compulsive. Interestingly, it’s often the fact that the fetish is considered abnormal that it causes problems.

Take cross-dressing. If the cross-dresser lives in an ‘alternative’ part of town and can freely walk down the street dressed in women’s clothing without anyone batting an eye, then it’s not a problem. If he lives in a conservative area, that can cause difficulties. If his partner is fine with his desire to dress in women’s clothing, then it’s not a problem; if she finds his fetish repulsive, then they’ve got a problem.

If one person has a fetish and the other doesn’t share it, then as with any other interest, you need to work with it. If one likes golf, the other doesn’t have to play golf too, that partner can play golf with golf-loving friends. If one is a vegetarian and the other loves meat, then you work together to create meals that both can eat.

In the case of fetishes, it’s the same. If he likes wearing women’s clothing, he can dress alone, or with other cross-dressers, or if she’s into it, they can dress up and go out together! The key point is that you accept each other for who you are, with honesty and respect, and work with that. Chances are you can work with the fetish. If not, you can separate without animosity. Often when people first allow themselves to enjoy their fetish, they can be a little like a kid in a candy shop and become very excited, but over time it generally normalises and becomes part of life. It depends on the individual. It certainly doesn’t get worse and lead to more and more depravity! That argument is no different to the assumption that if you take one drug you’ll become an addict, or one drink and you’re an alcoholic: most people manage their pleasures without compulsion or addiction.

At my Black Belt in the Bedroom seminars, I get the participating men to stand in a circle and simply breathe, circulating their sexual energy around their bodies. Each time it is, simply, stunning. The only way to describe it is to use a rather old-fashioned and religious term: it is a State of Grace. With every group, the peace and presence manifested by these men is magnificent. If only their women could be there to experience it.
 
I love to stand in the middle of the circle and feel that gorgeous masculine energy. When I have a female assistant there, I invite her to stand in the circle to feel it too. Every woman who has done this has been amazed at the sensation.
 
Experiences like this confirm my purpose in the world to enable people to connect with themselves and through that with their partners, and through that ultimately to connect with everything.
 
On behalf of the women of the world, thanks guys! You’re awesome!

We tend to assume that sex has to involve the genitals, and that any sense of erotic or sexual arousal will need to lead to genital engagement.

This is because we’ve associated sex with reproduction for so long, and obviously you need genital interaction for reproduction.

Yet sex is not just about reproduction. In fact it’s rarely about reproduction. Sex in humans is not primarily a reproductive function.

If we do think of sex as only genital, or at least, having to involve the genitals, then we get into the either/or thinking that plagues us. For example, if you have a particular fetish for wearing certain clothes, you’ll feel a heightened erotic sense when wearing them. That enjoyment can be enough in itself. It doesn’t have to lead to sex.

Conversely, we can feel a heightened erotic sensation from so many experiences, such as food, music, art, gardening, sport and physical activity. In fact, any pleasurable activity that leads to the release of ‘happy hormones’ in our body is in some way sexual because it leads to that heightened sense of arousal.

You see, it’s all linked: your mind, heart, body and spirit. Stimulate one part and it makes the whole feel good. To take out one part, and label that as ‘sex’ sort of misses the point. It’s limiting and confusing.

You can look at an attractive person, feel a sexual stirring, and enjoy just that feeling. Or you can go to a fabulous concert and it’s like foreplay that leads you to want genital engagement.

All of life should be a kind of foreplay, where you live in a heightened, joyful state. Is that sexual, is it erotic, and is it pleasurable - of course it all is! You can channel that wonderful feeling into all and any part of your life, of which genital play is just one small (although wonderful!) part.

Well Winter has finally hit! Cold miserable rainy days that just make you want to curl up and snuggle in bed. Mmmm. Add a cup of hot chocolate and thou.

In Winter our energies focus inwards, like the seed that waits under the snow before it blooms in spring. So for we humans it’s a wonderful time to focus on our inner selves and allow time for gestating.

As regular readers of my writings will know, so much of my teaching and inspiring is around developing that inner awareness, that sense of presence and selfhood, that allows for deeper sexual connection within yourself and between you and your lover, that enables sex to be truly intimate, real, and because of that truly wonderful.

So this Winter is a time for you to grow sexually. If you choose to. Coincidentally it’s also a time that I’m running a lot of workshops!

• They started with Blackbelt in the Bedroom for men last week, an inspiring evening with 14 men who left with a bounce in their step and a glow in their being.

• Then Luscious Lovers last weekend. Again, eight couples who spent a gorgeous day celebrating their love and learning deeper ways of connecting.

• Next it's the women's turn with a Luscious Woman Workshop at the start of August. The men's Black Belt in the Bedroom is on again later that month, and the couples' Luscious Lovers Workshop at the start of Spring.

Of course I can’t do it all for you, so I strongly encourage you to have other practices that help you develop mindfulness, centeredness, presence and physical suppleness. I developed it through decades (starting at the age of 11) of aikido, yoga, dance and meditation (as well as various other martial arts, kung fu, tai chi, chi gung, etc).

Any practice that enables you to quieten the mind while working the body is perfect for developing a deeper more connected sexual life.

At the very least, a simple daily practice of greeting the morning with some belly breaths, pelvic swings and internal energy circulations will get the day off to a good start. It really doesn’t have to take much. It’s not a hard serious practice, it is supposed to be light and uplifting and invigorating. Smile your secret smile and take that smile into your day.

Combine workshops and personal practice this Winter and you will have one awesome Spring!

Erections come and go. A penis is quite a variable creature. Sometimes it’s not erect when you want it to be, and other times it’s erect when you don’t want it to be.

I’ve written before about when it’s soft, even if you’d rather it were hard (The Pleasure of A Soft Cock). So what about the opposite: when it’s hard and you might not want it to be.

The main thing I want to say here is that an erect penis does not have to be serviced. Ladies, just because he’s erect, it doesn’t mean he has to have an orgasm. He might possibly like one, but that doesn’t mean he has to have one, and it certainly doesn’t mean that you have to drop everything and give him one.

I’m surprised at how many women think they have to do something with their partner’s erection, even if they don’t want to. The saddest thing about this is that it leads to avoidance behaviour - they avoid affection and intimacy for fear that their partner will become aroused, and then they will be expected to have sex.

That attitude is such a shame, because of course affection and intimacy can lead a man to have an erection. For a great many men they will get an erection with small amounts of pleasure, sometimes just thinking about their partner or just looking at her will bring on an erection.

An erection can just be a sign of pleasure. He’s happy and having lovely yummy feelings about his beloved.

It doesn’t mean he’s wildly aroused and desperate to get his rocks off.

As I said above, he might like to have an orgasm. Many men would happily have an orgasm if offered, especially if he’s feeling good and in the presence of or thinking about his lover. But he certainly doesn’t have to.

So if your partner has an erection, be pleased! It means he’s happy and he desires you. So if, say, you’re standing and cuddling and you feel his erect penis nuzzling into your thigh, enjoy it and nuzzle back. If you’re cuddling in bed as you fall asleep and notice he has an erection, just hold it tenderly and drift off into the land of nod.

The erection will enjoy some attention, your partner will feel desired and loved, but you don’t have to have sex or get him off in any way. It’s just a nice thing to share and get on with your day (or night ZZZZZZ).

I suppose I should stress that of course your man will want sex some of the time! And actually, the more comfortable you become with the ebb and flow of the penis, enjoying it in all its moods, and in different situations, the easier it is to flow into sex if that feels right at the time.

In the Tantric and Taoist traditions, it's often recommended that men should abstain from ejaculating, which is a challenging concept for modern men!
 
I believe it’s not about you should or shouldn’t, but how you orgasm. So here are some thoughts from a man who practices mindful lovemaking and agrees with me that it's not what you do but how you do it. 

“I find my orgasms to be very different from before, very meaningful. I feel grounded, very complete and even more connected during and after the ejaculation.
 
 “Everything leading up to the orgasm - our interaction, the setting of the room, the approach to foreplay and all the stages, it doesn’t matter how long we make love for, at the point of orgasm it’s just completely different.
 
 “Before, it was more a carnal thing, there wasn’t so much intimacy and connection. At the moment of orgasm, I felt disconnected. It was a big release, then ‘I’m done.’
 
 “Now at the point of ejaculation it’s like, ‘Hey!’ I come even closer. We’re even more connected. I feel: this is amazing, ‘Wow! This is a whole different level! I don't want to pull out, I don’t want to be disconnected from that moment.’
 
 “Most of my energetic experiences happen after the ejaculatory orgasm. The real orgasm, the whole-body orgasm, the energy surges, happen after the ejaculation.
 
 “It’s like a passage, a door that opens, bang, into a new place, leading deeper and deeper into the experience.
 
 “And afterwards I feel rejuvenated, alive, like I’ve had a recharge. It’s not draining like it was before. I don’t want to roll over and go to sleep. I want to get up and conquer the world! Or at least talk and snuggle and keep the connection going.
 
 “It makes me whole.” 
 
 Such is the value of greater connectedness and the Tantric approach to sex. 

One of the main differences between 'standard' modern sexual practices and the more alternative, spiritual sexual practices is the attitude to orgasm.

In the mainstream, orgasm is generally considered a highly desirable, usually necessary, part of sex, and generally the bigger the better and the more the merrier.

In the Tantric/Taoist approaches there is a strong emphasis on not having an orgasm. Which to many modern Westerners seems crazy, especially for those who think the whole point of sex is orgasm.

So, who’s right? Should we or shouldn’t we? Is it more healthful/spiritual/ecstatic/pleasurable/fulfilling to come or not to come?

Well, to me it’s less about whether you come or not, and much more about how you come.

You see, nothing in life is black and white, particularly when it comes to sex.

To believe that we shouldn’t come is as limiting as believing that you have to come.

I certainly encourage everyone to move away from the mindset, firmly entrenched in the Adolescent Male Masturbatory Model of Sex: that sex is about a sexual excitation that has to result in an explosive genital orgasm. I definitely encourage people to expand their sexual repertoire and explore styles of love-making that don’t lead to orgasm.

The ‘orgasm at all costs’ approach to sex is very limiting and not always satisfying. Having explosive genital orgasms can be debilitating and can lead to feelings of emptiness and either neediness or distance afterwards. The big ‘O’ is not the holy grail of sex.

It’s actually very liberating to open yourself to the reality that there are many ways to approach sex and to realise that making love in a way that doesn’t lead to or require orgasms, can be just as satisfying, if not more so, than sex with orgasm.

However, to then extend that argument to say that orgasm itself is ‘bad’ and that we shouldn’t orgasm at all, is falling into the either-or trap.

Orgasms are a natural part of being human and having orgasms can be a highly beneficial thing.

If the orgasms aren’t beneficial, if they do leave you feeling drained, distant, grumpy, needy, then the problem isn’t ‘orgasm’, the problem is the way you orgasm.

If you see orgasm as just part of sex, not the point of sex, and certainly not the end-point, then you can play with the orgasmic experience. You can use orgasm to take you deeper and further. You can experience orgasm in different forms, not just genital. You can orgasm in different parts of your body, you can experience it throughout your whole body, you can feel different kinds of energies and sensations, it can be brief or it can last for minutes or longer, you can enter into orgasmic ‘states’ where you feel the bliss for very long periods of time.

To experience orgasm in this way you need to approach love-making in a non-linear way. This means you go with the flow of what feels right at each and every moment. There are no ‘shoulds’, there is no expectation, there is no defined sequence.

When you approach sex like this it doesn’t matter whether you have no orgasm, one orgasm, many orgasms or whether you enter a blissful orgasmic state where you don’t know if you’re orgasming or not because it just feels soooo good.

I call this Third-Level Love-Making: it’s not just genital excitation, the ‘peaks’ of sex, it’s not just love and spiritual connection, the ‘valleys’ of sex: it’s all and everything. If orgasm is part of that, great, if it’s not, great. If it’s real, true, an authentic expression of self - it’s all great!

How often do you like to have sex? Are you into a daily morning quickie, or are you happy to wait for weeks until the perfect time arises, and you can have hours of quality lovemaking? Do you like to have sex at fairly regularly spaced intervals, or do you tend to have a few sessions close together and then you’re done for a while?
 
 Or don’t you know?

It does help to know what your natural rhythm is. We often talk about two people in a relationship having mismatched libidos because one wants it more than the other. That’s natural and pretty well inevitable, and the couple need to work with it. Your sexual rhythm is important too...
 
 I know that I, for example, am more of a few good sessions and then I’m done for some time kind of a person, whereas my partner is more of a regular type. I like to have a few good sessions over a few days and then I'm good for a week or more, at which point I get desirous again and want it a few more times, then a break. That’s my cycle. My partner on the other hand gets antsy if he goes more than two or three days without.
 
 So that’s something that we have to work with, as do you with your unique situation. Just to share a bit more about me as illustration, once my partner realised that it was never going to be a long-term drought, and that when it’s on it’s really really good, he could relax into the drier spells knowing that the rain was on its way! (And which stopped him being fretful about it, which had made me less desirous and so the breaks longer!)
 
 That’s me though, I’m into quality not quantity. I’m the same with food, I’d rather go hungry than eat bad food, and I won’t even consider bad sex. Personally, I can cope without sex when I’m feeling sated and there’s not the opportunity for the equivalent of a gourmet repast. But my partner’s not the same, so I’ve learned to have quality snuggles, simple sex, in-between.
 
 I’ve shared a lot of personal information here, just so you can see how one couple work with their different sexual cycles to mutual benefit.
 
 Other couples I’ve worked with have: 

• learned to have lots of sex during her horny mid-month week, and avoid sex in her monstrous pre-menstrual week; 
• learned to have more sex in the evenings when she’s in the mood so that he’s not ravenously hungry for sex every morning at 5am when she’d rather be asleep; 
• studied his or her variable work shifts to identify good opportunities for lovemaking in advance; 
• learned to have sex before dinner after they get back from the gym, when they’re both feeling aroused and before they get too tired; 
• started having sex earlier in the evening as one has to get up very early, so the night owl gets up after sex to do other things leaving their partner to sleep. 

Get in touch with your sexual cycle, and then get open and creative together, figuring out how to work with your cycles for maximum mutual pleasure. 

I'm a little embarrassed to say this, but a couple of weeks ago I was in an emergency ward with a suspected heart attack. Yes, me, the supposed expert on chilling out, taking it slow, enjoying life and love....Oops!

So what happened? After all, I do regular yoga, meditation, relaxation...or do I?

Being attached to a machine that goes 'bing' for eight hours gives you a lot of time to reflect. It's kind of a forced meditation, especially as I was having trouble breathing and had to focus on my breath.

Well, the honest truth is that my regular self-care had become more than a little irregular. I hadn't been practising what I preach. I was proving that not doing what I advise to do does in fact result in a lack of peace and harmony.

This kind of work, where I'm constantly giving out nurturing and inspiring energy to people, plus having three children of my own, means that I have to keep filling up my love tank. So: physician heal thyself.

I share this so that you know that even we 'experts' struggle at times. In this era where there are so many things competing for our time, and where the truly important things in life tend to put aside in favour of the non-nurturing and the non-loving, it's so important that we each stay focused on what's important.

I often talk about how couples need to prioritise time for themselves, to fill up their mutual love tank. Before you can even get to that, you need to fill up your own self-love tank. It's like when the oxygen masks come down in the plane, you have to put your own on before you attend to anyone else, or else you'll be dead and no use to anyone.

For people with a stronger bent towards tending others, it can be hard to focus on yourself. "Who's got the time," you say, or "I'd feel guilty".

But if you don't, you either become a withered up drained shell of yourself, or you become harder and harder (and unhappier and unhappier) which leads to grumpy, bitter and twisted, and other nasty traits.

So, go through your life and start removing the irksome, the time-consuming, the draining, and prioritise the rejuvinating, the uplifting, the peace-inducing. And if you feel you 'can't', then book in for some sessions with me, so I can help make that a 'can'.

As for me, I have reinstated daily mediation and yoga, I have modified a lot of the ways I work, and I am writing this while on the tiny tropical island of Gili Air doing an eight-day rejuvenation retreat....

The love tanks are re-filling.