Whether you feel bad about it or good about it, if you’re the lower desire partner (LDP) you have a major impact on how often and how well the two of you have sex. I get at least as many heterosexual couples where the man has the lower level of desire as the woman, so it’s not just “a problem that women have” and in same-sex couples there's always a difference too.

So guys, let’s start with you. If you’re not feeling it, there are some main reasons:

• It’s easier to just masturbate in front of porn. True, but the experience is not the same. Saying “Yes!” to sex with your partner is saying “Yes!” to love and connection and intimacy and a very happy partner!

• If she’s too overbearing, always complaining about the lack of sex. Well, she’s got a point! She’s crying out for intimate connection, so focus on doing good stuff together so that you actually want to be with her.

• Even if she has a higher desire, she never initiates so why should you? The more you show your desire, the more likely she’ll initiate more.

• If you don’t feel good about yourself, don’t take it out on your partner. Get fit, change jobs, give up smoking, take responsibility for your life, and start ravishing her!

Now for the ladies. Why should you say “Yes!” to sex?

• It feels good!

• Your partner will feel closer to you. Men love to connect sexually with their partner.

• You’ll become more in tune with each other, so he’ll get better at asking at the right times, and he’ll get better at doing what you need to get to “Yes!”

• Good regular sex makes you look and feel younger, more vibrant, more vital and sexier. It’s a positive feedback loop.

So to LDPs of any gender I say:

If sex is just too boring to be bothered you need to make some changes. Sex is most definitely not meant to be boring!

We haven’t been blessed with enormous brains as well as bodies riddled with pleasure receptors in order to have boring sex!

Sex is meant to be creative and playful and pleasurable and ever-changing and satisfying.

Make it so!

We’re not brought up to have faith in our bodies these days. Pharmaceutical companies get rich by making us feel our bodies can’t heal themselves; fashion and beauty companies get rich by making us feel our bodies aren’t attractive enough.

While of course modern medicine is a wonderful thing, and looking good is great too, the problem is when we become dependant on these external agencies to make the judgement for us, rather than trusting out body to let us know what it needs.

The more in tune with your body you become the more you can trust it and the freer and more confidant you will feel.

This is essential for quality sex. Sex more than anything else requires you to let go and trust your body to feel and respond.

So you need to train your body in other parts of life to be able to trust itself, so you can bring that empowered connection and intuitive feeling into your lovemaking.

If you’re feeling unwell, tune in to what your body needs rather than automatically taking the painkillers or cold and flu tablets. If you’re depressed or anxious, really check in to what your body is telling you, rather than automatically taking anti-depressants.

If you want to get fit and healthy, trust your body as to the type of activity and intensity of activity that it needs. Don’t assume you have to be in agony to get fit. An intense workout may be more damaging than a long walk in a beautiful setting. To find out which is better - ask your body.

Before you spend a fortune on the latest fashion trend or cosmetic treatment, check in with your body to see if it really will make you look and feel better.

Once you’ve developed this strong body connection and can trust your body, then you’ll know whether the medications or activities or beauty treatments are going to be good for you. There’s nothing wrong with any of these things, they are all beneficial when used well.

As I so often say, it’s not what you do but how you do it. Where is the motivation coming from? If it’s from fear or lack of confidence or blind trust in authorities/media/whatever, then that’s a problem. If it’s a considered and conscious choice, that’s great.

So, back to sex: the more you trust your body, the more in tune with it you become, the better the sexual experience. Men become more connected to their penises, with less angst around ‘performance’, women become more aware of boundaries and improve their ability to let go and enjoy, and both become more able to sync in with each other. You get out of your head and into your body and the whole experience flows.

For people in long-term relationships, chilling out together is generally a prerequisite for good sex.
 
 I always recommend that couples find some time, preferably every day, where you can just hang out and chill together. It only needs to be 15 minutes over a cup of tea or glass of wine when the kids have gone to bed, or similar. You can give each other a foot massage - anything conducive to time to chat in an easy, relaxed way.
 
 When you’re in a good space like this it's also easier to raise the issue of whether you might move into some love-making that evening or not; and if you are open to the idea, what one or both of you might need to get there.
 
 Clients have told me that this one small change to their relating – deciding that sex is no less sexy because it’s a little bit planned - has had a huge impact on their sense of connectedness and therefore on their sex lives.

Now let’s take this a step further and talk about where you have this together time. Of course, you could do it around the kitchen table, you could do it on a balcony or veranda. (Not in front of the TV.) Or you could do it in your bedroom.
 
 I’ve always used my bedroom as a sanctuary, a place to hang and chill, whether I’m in a relationship or not. But from talking to hundreds of people I’ve realized more and more that for many people the 'bedroom as sanctuary' isn’t common, so I’ve been encouraging people to chill out in their bedroom together. Just as I recommend turning your bedroom into a sanctuary in the way it’s decorated and presented, I recommend you actually use your sanctuary – as a place to chill, relax, connect.
 
 Loll around on the bed in your pyjamas with a cup of tea - chat, touch, share. It’s a great way to spend easy, quality time together, and it makes it easier to segue into some delicious sensual and sexual activity. 

If you want a good night out, do you tend to plan it in advance or decide on the spur of the moment? If you’re playing sport, do you have your trainings and matches planned in advance, or do you just play whenever the whim takes you (and hope that everyone else involved is interested and available too)?

I imagine you’d say in both cases that you plan in advance, that you schedule those enjoyable activities.

So why not schedule sex?

• If you know you like a lazy, sensual Sunday morning lie-in, then keep Sunday mornings free.
• If Wednesday is the only day of the week when no-one in the family has evening activities so the kids can go to bed on time and you can have an ‘early night’, then make Wednesday your nooky night.
• If you both have jobs where you’ve got flexibility of time, consider starting late or working from home on a Tuesday and spend some time in the bedroom.
• If you go to the gym together after work on a Thursday and tend to come home feeling aroused, then have sex straightaway and have a late dinner.
• If one of you plays golf on Saturdays and the other gets a day to themselves so the golf-player comes home looking and feeling refreshed and sexy and the other's feeling relaxed and sexy, then make Saturday evening your time for lovemaking.
• Or whatever works in your life.

• You make sure you keep Sunday mornings free, or go straight to the bedroom after gym, or cooperate to get the kids to bed on time so you’re not too tired by the time you get to the bedroom.
• You think about it earlier in the day, so it’s on your mind and you can start to get in the mood. Anticipation can be wonderful for libido.

You might be in the mood…
 
 …but by the time you’ve put the dishwasher on, put out the rubbish, checked on the kids, locked the house, brushed your teeth, got changed and hopped into bed… well, somehow the urge has disappeared.
 
 How do you stay in the mood as you lead-up to sex?
 
 Make the lead-up erotic! 

If the two of you have had a good cup-of-tea (or cup-of-coffee) connection, or gone for a walk, or watched a happy movie together or whatever, and that’s got you both in the mood, then keep that happy banter up as you both do the last-minute chores. Or divide the tasks with a sexy: “Meet you in the bedroom in 20 minutes…first one there lights the candles!”
 
 Either of those approaches will keep the desire bubbling away as you finish the mundane matters of the day, with the anticipation of some delicious pleasures to come.
 
 Then there’s the teeth brushing, the face-washing and the undressing and all that end-of-day body maintenance that needs doing.
 
 Well, if you’re showering, I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you how to make that erotic - just jump in together! Or one of you watches while the other washes. Or one of you washes the other.
 
 If you prefer a more private night-time toilette, then a sensuous: “I’ll be out in ten, be ready for me…” can keep your partner in delightful anticipation.
 
 Changing into sexy or sensual nightwear is always a good thing. Brushing your teeth while wearing a silk teddy and satin robe does increase the erotic nature of this ordinary act quite considerably. Or watching your partner brush their teeth in the nude can be quite enticing (it’s amazing how the muscles in his back move as he brushes…mmm, mmm).
 
 I always feel it’s a shame to let a good undress go to waste. So, rather than doing it privately or furtively, take your time and let your partner watch. You don’t have to do a fancy striptease; a simple slow reveal can be enough. Better still, just stand there and let your partner take your clothes off for you, piece-by-piece, kissing each new body part as it is revealed…
 
 Do you need to brush your hair before you retire? Let your partner do it for you. Having your hair brushed, even if you have very little, is one of life’s great sensual delights.
 
Finally, don’t get in to bed stay on the bed - it’s much more erotic to be on the bed, kissing and stroking, than to be fumbling around under the covers. You can see each other better, you can feel each other’s bodies more easily, there is room to move, it’s easier to use props whether that’s food or oils or sex toys, and importantly, you’re less likely to be tempted by sleep. Falling asleep mid-foreplay is not erotic.
 
 So, think about what you need to do at the end of the day and get creative turning the mundane into the erotic! 

I’m not sure where I found this, but it’s wonderful advice. It’s pretty much the approach I’ve always followed, and I look pretty good for my age!

• Drink pure water.
• Breathe good air deeply.
• Live in a clean house.
• Good skin comes from a clean body, so make sure to eat foods that purify the body.
• Eat a wide variety of simple foods.
• Sleep at least eight hours a night, and go to bed before 11pm.
• Enjoy nature.
• Stay tranquil and calm, by keeping a relaxed mind.
• By the age of 40, the mind is visible on the face. So improve your outlook and you will improve your face.
• Don’t sit around worrying.
• Control your desires: don’t always want what you can’t have. This unsatisfied-yearning makes a woman ugly.
• Don’t complain, don’t be envious, don’t be irritated. Your health will deteriorate and your skin will look terrible.
• Enjoy lovemaking. You will have glowing shiny skin and a relaxed face.
• Accept your age and the changes in your beauty. A beautiful old person is beautiful because their mind and spirit are wise and graceful.

My clients are all adults, although in some cases it’s hard to believe: they come to me wanting a positive, mature relationship with good sexual relating - yet they act like kids in the playground! They bully, they whine, they play games, they lie, they ignore, they’re rude, they’re insensitive…. And they think that this behaviour will result in mutual sexual desire!?

Name-calling, sarcasm, rudeness, withdrawing, clamming up, insults, aggression, contempt and so forth are not conducive to harmonious relationships. It sounds obvious when you read it here, but are you actually putting it in to practice yourself?

A mature relationship is based on individual confidence and mutual respect. Consider this as love of yourself and love of your partner. The two individuals are confident within themselves, not needy of having their partner agree with them on everything or share identical views, desires and intentions. Coming from this internal strength, they can then relate to their partner with utmost respect.

Respect means two things: to admire someone for their qualities, and more importantly to have due regard for their wishes, feelings and rights.

In a mature, respectful relationship neither party will force their views on the other, or expect their partner to share theirs. They will each respect the other as an individual so their coming together will be from desire and respect, not from need and expectation.

How does this look? For a start, you listen to the other with an open heart. You don’t leap in with defensiveness or accusations. You don’t respond until you are sure they’ve been heard, and you take time, whether it’s a moment or hours, to consider what they’ve said, from your heart, and then respond with love and respect.

You will also be completely honest with your partner. You won’t make assumptions, expect them to mind-read or withhold expressing yourself for fear of their reaction or fear that they won’t like what you say. You will have the personal confidence, and the respect of your partner, to trust that the two of you have the ability to deal with anything that comes up.

A client recently told me that after she opened up and told her husband exactly what she felt about their relationship she felt closer to him than she had in a very long time. As her husband replied when she shared this in session: “yes, and you naturally held your hand out to me afterwards and it was lovely.” She was taken aback that such honesty had been received so well and that it had created a better relationship. It was only because she respected her husband enough to be able to share, and he was strong enough to hear.

It does take work to get to this level of relating. That’s what relationships ideally are for: they hone your skills at being independent while together, being confident and respectful.

If you use your relationship to help you mature in this way, you will leave the playground shenanigans far behind in childhood, where they belong, and enter into a far deeper, more meaningful and genuinely sexier relationship.

This is one of those ‘am I normal’ type questions that I’m always asked. The answer to the question: How often is normal? Is simply: Whatever is right for you.

So the question you should be asking is: How often is right for us?

If neither of you want to ever have sex, that’s fine, because that’s right for you. If you both want to have sex twice a day, terrific! That’s what’s right for you.

Clearly most people are somewhere between those two extremes.

I get some clients who come to see me claiming they’re having too much sex - or at least, the lower desire partner is claiming that their partner wants more than is ‘normal’.

More often though, clients assume they should be having more sex than they are having. They just take it as a given that everyone else is having lots of sex and so they should too. How much sex this ‘ideal’ amount is, is usually pretty vague, and they expect me to tell them.

I’ve noticed that a lot of women assume their partners want sex every day. This is generally because he’d like it more often than they’re having it, or more likely, he’d like better quality than they’re having. But that doesn’t mean every day. I’ve seen so many surprised women hear their partners say just once a week, maybe twice, would be great - especially as she often says the same thing!

A female client once told me that her husband wished she’d want sex every day like I do - except that I don’t! They’d assumed that because I specialize in sex that I must have sex daily, because that’s what they thought was the ‘ideal’ amount of sex. I burst out laughing and then explained that I’m a quality rather than quantity kind of a gal. They were both quite puzzled initially until they ditched this myth. Then we could actually get real and work around what each of them actually wanted, not what they thought they should want.

Even if you would like sex more frequently, there are the realities of life. Hey, I’d like to go to a yoga class every day, but I can’t do that either. If I’m away on holidays, sure - daily yoga and daily sex! Bring it on! But back in the real world, nope.

So have an honest chat with each other about how often you’d really like to have sex, and more importantly what quality of sex you’d like to have. You’ll generally find that the better the quality, the less the higher desire partner will crave it and give the impression that he or she wants it all the time. The more open you are, the easier it is to find the balance that works just for you.

That’s what a couple said to me recently: “We’re slaying the pink elephants!” These elephants had been sitting in all the corners of their relationship and taking up so much room they were feeling stifled and could hardly breathe, let alone relate. 

Because the elephants were there, but they did nothing about them, the elephants grew in size and number and took up a ridiculous amount of room. The couple had got to the point where they couldn’t mention anything of any significance or meaning as there was so little space in the relationship. They were tippy toeing around with shallow breath, hoping they wouldn’t bump into an elephant.
 
 Fortunately, they found the way to acknowledge that the elephants were there, and do something about them. They got out the metaphorical elephant guns and went on safari within their relationship, slaying all the pink elephants - those they knew were there, and those they discovered along the way.
 
 It can be quite a process to do this, and rarely easy. It requires bravery and commitment. You’ll hear stuff you don’t want to hear; you’ll acknowledge parts of yourself that you’re not proud of, you’ll get a greater insight into your partner and into yourself, and you’ll learn ways of moving forward together.
 
 The very first step is to admit the pink elephants exist and commit together to doing something about them.
 
Note: If the analogy of slaying elephants is a bit gruesome, just think of rounding them up and herding them away! 
 
 
If you need help slaying your pink elephants, book in for private sessions with me. 

It starts this week!! Yes, the launch program of my new radio show, The Tantric Lounge, on Voice America’s Empowerment Channel, is this Friday!
 
 Here's the blurb:
 
Join me, renowned sex educator, therapist and coach, on the Tantric Lounge and discover the missing link to complete empowerment: your sexuality!

The Tantric Lounge is a space where sex is an art and sex is a science. It’s where sex, science and spirituality meet, and everything in between.
 
In the Tantric Lounge you’ll explore the third wave of sexuality: beyond shame, beyond sleaze, heading towards true understanding and liberation. It’s sex for the seeker, for the explorer, for the thinker.
 
I present sex like no one else, it’s fascinating, funny and above all inspiring. Tune in to my wisdom and entertaining conversations with engaging guests from the leading edge of sexuality, as we discuss everything to do with sex, love and intimacy.
 
Discover your sexual potential, become truly empowered and get more out of your sex life than you ever imagined! The Tantric Lounge, Thursdays at 5 PM American Pacific Time, Fridays at 10AM Australian Eastern Time, on the VoiceAmerica Empowerment Channel.
 
Go to www.voiceamerica.com/show/2234/the-tantric-lounge.
 
So please join me either live or listen to the podcasts!
 
See you down on the Tantric Lounge...