From my column in Body+Soul

Question:I am 45 years old and have been single for 8 years since my marriage ended – I’ve been so busy raising my two kids and working it wasn’t really an issue. But now I want back in the dating game. I hate the fact that if I died tomorrow my ex-husband would be my last sexual partner. Question is… how on earth do I do it? Dating sites just don't do it for me, they seem too risky. I don’t have any physical issues, but I’m aware my body isn’t what it used to be. So how do I get my confidence back? I’m not necessarily looking for a relationship - just some action!

Answer: I had a client once who said she felt “like a very experienced virgin”. She’d had lots of sex in her life, but so long ago that facing the prospect of getting sexually active felt like being a virgin all over again.

With more people having serial relationships these days, the challenge of finding new partners is common. And as you point out, the two key issues are: how to feel confident and how to actually meet someone.

First up, the confidence issue. That’s a big one for women in our society where we’re constantly bombarded with unreal expectations of beauty. There’s an impossible quest for perfection, for an eternally smooth, taut youthful body. Yet, what men find the most attractive in a woman is less about the ‘perfection’ of her body and much more about how she feels about it. I run women’s workshop where I have a panel of men. Inevitably there is the question of “what do you find the most desirable in a woman?”. The immediate answer from all the men is always ‘confidence!’.

Keep in mind too, that the men you’ll be seeing are also aging – losing their hair, getting paunchier, more wrinkles. It happens to all of us! Yet our bodies have also lived, birthed children, had adventurers, carried us through life this far and will continue to do so to the end of our days. That’s a pretty miraculous thing and something to be always grateful for. Tapping into that appreciation of our bodies is what brings confidence. We can always decorate the outside with clothes and make-up and hair-styles if we want, but it’s on the inside where the confidence lies.

Now, with confidence (reasonably) intact, what about the vexing question of where to find a man? Well, you could walk into any pub in the land and call out “I want sex, who’s willing?” and no doubt you’d get laid pretty quickly! But I’m assuming you’re more discerning than that, and want to meet men who you actually like.

These days online dating is a good way to meet people. If risk is your biggest concern, then make sure you get to know a man through texting and phone calls. You only meet once you have a good feeling for him, and that’s less a ‘date’ and more a low-key catch-up to see if you click in real life. Meet for a coffee, a walk in the park, check out an art exhibition – whatever you find appealing and not too intense.

If you’d prefer to meet someone IRL (dating lingo for ‘in real life’), then the important thing is to get out and meet new people. The best way to do that is to do things that you enjoy. If you meet him doing things you enjoy then it means he does too, and that’s a good basis for a relationship. At the very least you’ll make new friends through the activities and potentially meet someone through the new friendships.

Before all that though, here’s an exercise you’ll find invaluable: draw up two columns, one for ‘him’ and one for ‘me’. In the ‘him’ column write down all the things you’d like in a man. This is not a check-list, it’s so you can get a felt sense of the kind of man you want to be with. This way you’ll be much more likely to recognise him when you meet him! And the ‘me’ column is important because you need to know what it is about youthat is going to make you a good match for him.

Then, the attraction can begin!

I’m sitting in bed writing this, having just had breakfast in bed brought to me by my wonderful lover. It was just a cup of tea and toast, nothing flash, but what a difference it’s making to my day! It’s a small thing, but it’s a significant thing.
 
 It’s the sum of these small things that set the quality of your relationship. Equally, it’s the sum of small neglects that stultify a relationship, flat-lining it. When a relationship flat-lines, there’s generally not a lot of sexual desire. 

Maintaining sexual desire is a challenge for busy modern couples are so often tired and/or distracted. Couples who find it easy to move into sexual play are ones who keep themselves simmering, so to speak. That is in large part a reflection on how the two of you are relating as a couple. It’s the culmination of all the small things you do to, for and with each other so feel good about each other, appreciate each other and enjoy each other’s company, that you create a mood in which you want to enjoy each other’s bodies in delicious sexual play.
 
 A couple I’ve been working with for a while announced at a recent retreat that the thing that had made the biggest difference to their sexual relationship is that every day once the kids are in bed, I’m sitting in bed writing this, having just had breakfast in bed brought to me by my wonderful lover. It was just a cup of tea and toast, nothing flash, but what a difference it’s making to my day! It’s a small thing, but it’s a significant thing.
 
 It’s the sum of these small things that set the quality of your relationship. Equally, it’s the sum of small neglects that stultify a relationship, flat-lining it. When a relationship flat-lines, there’s generally not a lot of sexual desire.

Maintaining sexual desire is a challenge for busy modern couples are so often tired and/or distracted. Couples who find it easy to move into sexual play are ones who keep themselves simmering, so to speak. That is in large part a reflection on how the two of you are relating as a couple. It’s the culmination of all the small things you do to, for and with each other so feel good about each other, appreciate each other and enjoy each other’s company, that you create a mood in which you want to enjoy each other’s bodies in delicious sexual play.
 
 A couple I’ve been working with for a while announced at a recent retreat that the thing that had made the biggest difference to their sexual relationship is that every day once the kids are in bed, they spend ten minutes or so just chatting over a cup of tea. That’s all. Yet that small amount of time every day is enough to connect them and leads them on to making love, when the mood takes them.
 
 My parents told me many years ago that their secret to a long and happy marriage was that my father has brought my mother breakfast in bed virtually every day of their married life. I’ve inherited my mother’s appallingly bad ability to function in the morning, so one of the best things my partner can do for me is breakfast in bed too - just tea and toast keeps me loved-up and sexed-up!
 
 So, what are the small things that mean a lot to you? And what are the things that mean a lot to your partner? How can you keep the connection between you strong through small and frequent acts of kindness and affection? It can be words, it can be touch, it can be actions, it can be gifts and it can simply be spending time together. It’s easy in the early days, before the risk of complacency sets in. Over the longer term you need to take up the challenge of keeping it going.
 
 Just like everything else good in life, such as health and wealth, it’s the small constant positives that lead to on-going success, just as much as the small constant negatives lead to failure. Frittering away money and leading a slothful life will affect the quality of your wealth and health in the same way that neglect of your partner will affect your love life. Constant regular savings and an active life with a nutritious diet will enhance your wealth and health.
 
 In the same way small, regular expressions and tokens of affection will fill up your love bank. 

they spend ten minutes or so just chatting over a cup of tea. That’s all. Yet that small amount of time every day is enough to connect them and leads them on to making love, when the mood takes them.
 
 My parents told me many years ago that their secret to a long and happy marriage was that my father has brought my mother breakfast in bed virtually every day of their married life. I’ve inherited my mother’s appallingly bad ability to function in the morning, so one of the best things my partner can do for me is breakfast in bed too - just tea and toast keeps me loved-up and sexed-up!  
 
 So, what are the small things that mean a lot to you? And what are the things that mean a lot to your partner? How can you keep the connection between you strong through small and frequent acts of kindness and affection? It can be words, it can be touch, it can be actions, it can be gifts and it can simply be spending time together. It’s easy in the early days, before the risk of complacency sets in. Over the longer term you need to take up the challenge of keeping it going.
 
 Just like everything else good in life, such as health and wealth, it’s the small constant positives that lead to on-going success, just as much as the small constant negatives lead to failure. Frittering away money and leading a slothful life will affect the quality of your wealth and health in the same way that neglect of your partner will affect your love life. Constant regular savings and an active life with a nutritious diet will enhance your wealth and health.
 
 In the same way small, regular expressions and tokens of affection will fill up your love bank. 

From my column in Body+Soul

Question:"My husband and I don't 'make love' anymore, we seem to just get it over with. We've been married for 15 years and are pretty happy, all things considered. But we both work, and we have two young kids (both under 10), so there's not really much time or energy left over for a raging sex life. I don't necessarily want 'firework-sex' all the time, but I do hope we can get back to being more tender, more connected, and yes, do more cuddling afterwards! Where do we start?"

Answer: Your situation is so common. In fact, I think you’d be hard-pressed to find a couple who have been together for 15 years with young kids who haven’t had to deal with the issues of limited time and energy and the impact it has on their sex life. I see couples like you every day at my clinic. The ‘we love each other but have lost our mojo’ clients would have to be my largest category of client.

It sounds like you understand the importance of sexual connection, and want to have sex, but want better quality. That’s a great place to start, some people just give up at this stage, so it’s good to hear that you haven’t. Sex, or as you rightly call it, making love, is an essential part of bonding as a couple and through that keeping the vital life force strong in each of you as individuals. Without it we feel disconnected, irritable and flat, as though life has lost its vibrancy.

But it has to be quality sex. Disconnected or obligation sex can make your relationship and your own sense of well-being worse, rather than better.

So, what is quality sex? It’s certainly not falling into bed late at night when you’re exhausted and rolling on top of each other for some ho-hum intercourse. That’s dullsville for most people, more like ‘getting each other off’ at best, and lying there hoping it will end soon at worst.

To move from ho-hum to quality is much more about approach than technique. Bear with me while I get a little scientific with you here. You can’t get into quality sex if your mind and body is at either end of the nervous system’s arousal scale, that’s either hyper-aroused, where you’re stressed, anxious, stuck in your head thinking, or at the other end of the scale, hypo-aroused, where you’re tired, checked out, vegging out in front of a screen.

So, here’s the big secret for ongoing great loving in a long-term relationship – you need to focus on a chilled build. What I mean by that is that you need to focus on connecting in a low-key way and allow the desire and arousal to build. Sex starts way before you get to the bedroom. In fact, sex should permeate the whole of your relationship. It starts with how you greet each other when you first wake in the morning, with a smile and a positive greeting. It continues throughout the day with small acts of kindness and interest. And it needs to finish with some quality ‘us’ time, what I call the couple bubble.

Once the kids are down, spend some time together where it’s just ‘you and me’. Sit on the couch, or on your bed, put the screens away, play some music, get snuggly facing each other, and have a good chat. Leave the logistics out of it and focus on each other. Talk about hopes, dreams, interests, memories. Be interested in each other. It means you’re in each other’s presence enjoying each other’s company in a relaxed and engaged way. This is the perfect state you want to be in physically, mentally and emotionally to then move with tenderness, deliciousness, a real desire to take your connection to the ultimate level of your bodies uniting.

You can move into intimate, gorgeous lovemaking, then drift off in each other’s arms into a deep satisfying sleep.

Then wake to a loved-up, refreshed greeting, and so the positive feedback loop continues!

If you want to be healthy you know there are some basic things you need – like regular exercise and the right amount of vitamins and minerals. Without these, you’re not going to be in great shape.

It’s the same with relating well, there are some basic things you need every day to stay loved-up and connected. Let’s call these ‘vitamins for your relationship’. These practices will help keep your Couple Bubble strong. Without them you’re going to be pretty wobbly as a couple.

Here are the two key ‘relationship vitamins’ that I believe are vital, and that I prescribe for all my clients: one that you ‘take’ four times a day and one that you ‘take’ once a day.

1: Mini Couple Bubble Top-Ups

The first type of vitamin is what I call Mini Couple Bubble Top-Ups. These are focused, brief connections when you meet and part. Usually these are at four critical points of the day: when you wake up, when you part in the morning, when you greet in the evening and when you go to sleep. (Obviously those times are different if you’re both at home or are shift workers, but the same principle applies.)

At these times you need to make sure you have a quality connection, even if it’s only for a few seconds. To do this you:

• Come close to each other
• Look at each other
• Smile warmly
• Say something positive with a loving tone
• Kiss with feeling, even if it’s just a quick peck
• Have a hug

These mini top-ups attune you physiologically and emotionally, keeping you both co-regulated and emotionally calm and stable.

Without these regular Couple Bubble top-ups, you feel disconnected, unsupported. You lose track of how your partner is feeling, and you don’t get that regular boost of oxytocin that you need to feel secure. With them, you feel the opposite – connected, in tune, supported, secure.

2: Couple Bubble Chats

The second type of vitamin is a daily Couple Bubble Chat. This is where you sit down facing each other, without any distractions and simply chat. No logistics! Talk about yourselves and your interests - where you’re at in life, your hopes and dreams, your memories, your thoughts and feelings about what’s going on in the world. This keeps you interesting and interested in each other.

Do you remember? This is what you did so much of when you were first together. You were absolutely fascinated by each other! Over time though, you stop being so interested in each other, you get complacent and bored and the spark dies.

If you can’t think of anything to talk about (how sad, but so common), bring a question or two to the conversation. Things like: “What would you do if you were brave enough?” “What’s your best memory from when you were 10 years old?” “What do you think happened before the Big Bang?” These kinds of questions get you thinking and sharing. You get to know your partner – and yourself – better. You actually become interesting again.

I’ve written a bunch of other blog articles on communicating well, such as this one on expressing your feelings when you do your Couple Bubble Chat.

With the Couple Bubble Top-Ups four times a day and a daily dose of Couple Bubble Chat you’ll find you’re much more aligned and resilient as a couple, and feel loved-up and positive as individuals. That’s all good news in itself, and then very importantly, this approach will help you stay ‘simmering’ so that it’s easier to want and get sexual!

Our brain is such an interesting thing. It stores away memories and impressions, and then when we are met with a similar situation, it immediately goes ‘oh that old thing’ and presents a pre-formed idea based on the past. Which means it’s easy to get complacent in our experiencing of life, including our experience of our partner.

When we first meet there is so much newness and excitement – our brain is bedazzled by our new object of interest, we find this person fascinating. Our brain is engaged and releasing lots of dopamine and the endorphins and oxytocin are flowing in our body. It feels sooo goood! Often this is fuelled by pre-existing beliefs around ‘happy ever after’ and ‘finding one’s soul mate’, which enhance the interest and positive feelings.

But, over time, that person is no longer new. They become a bit ‘same old same old’. Our brain gets used to them, we no longer see them as new and interesting, and often this is exacerbated by beliefs around sex and love getting boring with time, and maybe memories of our own parents’ complacent marriages mixed in. We go into automatic mode with our partner, with our impressions and expectations of them. We get bored and boring, in all aspects of our relationship, including sexually, we become a slave to our preconditioning.

But, the good news is…our brain is also very good at paying attention - when we consciously direct it to. This is one of the important elements of mindfulness. We can intentionally pay attention, and when we do, we can override those automatic old impressions and continuously see our partner afresh, as they really are. They are not the same old person we wake up next to day after day, year after year…no, they are an ever-changing person with whom we interact and can discover anew day after day, year after year.

This person we chose is not just co-parent, co-mortgage-owner, co-mustn’t-forget-to-put-the-garbage-out. That is undifferentiated fused dullsville! This person is partner, friend and most importantly, lover.

This skill of intentional attention enables us to see our partner as lover, no matter how long we’ve been together. We see them as other, we notice them, we appreciate them, we enjoy them. We are drawn to them as lover, and when we make love we do so with open awareness, present to the moment, to the experience, to them as erotic, loving partner in life.

It makes relationship more interesting, more engaging and more conscious.

It makes love-making more connected, more intimate and so much more meaningful.

There is so much pressure on penises. The poor things are supposed to rise to attention on command, stay hard for hours, only ejaculate when desired - and if they can’t do that, then the sex is considered poor, he has 'failed'.

But what’s so wrong about a soft cock?

Nothing, and there’s plenty of pleasure to be had with one:

• It’s lovely and soft and malleable.
• It feels good for the man to have his soft cock handled.
• It’s easy for the woman to play with a soft cock with her hands or mouth.
• Intercourse can feel better with a softer cock.

• You can even have sex with a completely soft cock. It’s part of the subtle approach I encourage, where you simply join genitals, do nothing, and notice the ecstatic sensations that arise.

If the woman wants something hard and phallic inside and there’s no erection on hand to satisfy, well then, use your hands! Fingers have bones so they’re potentially always boners! Talented digital stimulation of the vagina is a wonderful thing. Or use toys - dexterous use of dildos and vibrators is a similarly excellent experience. Or check out the pantry and grab a carrot, or a zucchini, or a … you get the picture!

I was on talk back radio once and a lovely man called up to say ever since he became impotent due to a heart condition, he and his wife had been having better sex than ever, as he’d become so skillful with his hands!

Really, the only people who benefit from our obsession with the hard erection are the drug companies and porn companies. They make men feel inadequate for not having massive, hard erections, and women too have an expectation that if it’s not hard it’s not on.

This is such a shame. The erection, like quality lovemaking, will ebb and flow. As your lovemaking becomes more fluid and responsive, you’ll easily flow with the state of the penis - if it’s hard, go for the shag, if it’s not, go for the myriad other pleasures that don’t require a rock hard cock.

Men, if you'd like to learn more about becoming a great lover, a black belt in the bedroom, enrol in my online course for men! Click on the image below.

A client of mine who'd done my Blackbelt in the Bedroom seminar for men said that afterwards he had the best sex ever.  
 
 He said: “I applied everything you taught us. I made every stroke count. It was unbelievable!” 

I was so proud of him! What he was doing was making love with focus, presence, deep connection, and of course, with love. In this way every nuance, every moment, every stroke was meaningful.
 
 As he said, it was mind-blowing. Deep, connected, focused sex is truly awesome.
 
 So, take his advice: make every stroke count.
 
 
 
Learn what this man learned, enrol in my online course for men. Click on the banner below!

I often say that all the dysfunctions we have around sex are more to do with society's dysfunctional model of sex, rather than the people doing it. I've written elsewhere how the model of 'normal' sex is based on solo masturbation rather than partnered love-making. This makes it structured and linear, with success measured by action and performance, rather than being free-flowing and non-linear, with success measured by feeling and connectedness.

Since 'sex' is seen as having key KPIs of penis-in-vagina activity (god only knows what lesbians do) with requisite orgasms, all of which happens in a set linear way, it means that out of fear/awkwardness/confusion/distaste people avoid any kind of love-making or even affection so as avoid what they see as ‘sex’ - and then feel really bad about not having sex!

It’s a bit of a catch-22 type of situation.

As I pointed out to a client caught in this dilemma on her first visit recently: you can make love with just a kiss. When she returned on her next visit she looked quite different.

“So how have the last two weeks been,” I asked, my standard first question.

She looked at me, eyes aglow. “That comment you made, that you can make love with a kiss, has totally transformed our life,” she said with some awe and a trace of not quite believing it. “I’d always thought that we had to have intercourse to be having sex and if we weren’t doing that, which we weren’t, there was something wrong with us.”

“And now?” I asked.

“Now I realise that we are making love! We do love each other very much, and now we’re allowing ourselves to express that love physically, without the pressure to end up with intercourse.”

“And how does that make you feel?”

“It’s a relief! Now we can be free to take our time without that awful pressure to do something that felt so awkward. Now I feel excited and confident that we will be able to have sex again, but in our own time when it feels right. It’s almost like we’re teenagers again - and this time we’re going to get it right!”

Time after time I see clients limited by their belief around what ‘sex’ is and what they ‘should’ be doing. There are no ‘shoulds’! That’s head stuff, limiting head stuff. There’s only what feels right. If what your body is feeling and what your head is thinking are not aligned, then tune into your body first, then use your head to do what it does best, think and be creative, and devise ways to get the feeling in your body right.

So to use the example above, if your head is saying you should have sex, and your body is saying you don’t want sex, then your head needs to ask your body what it does want. In this case her body wanted to express her love for her partner but felt pressured to have intercourse. Once her head realised she didn’t need to have intercourse to make love, her body felt relieved, relaxed, and could happily express her love physically, knowing that she could go at her own pace - and she was actually looking forward to the time when they included intercourse in their love-making repertoire.

When you are both doing this, then you can co-create beautiful, intimate, playful, erotic, loved-up experiences, regardless of whether your genitals are involved or not!

So many people who come to me are wanting more from their sexuality, but are at a loss as to what that ‘more’ might be.

These people might already have done their own research or seen other professional helpers. They've made sure their genitals are functioning, have given themselves permission to try different sexual activities, learned the importance of consent – and yes, these are all important parts of a healthy sex life – yet something is still missing…

The answer to the ‘more’ in sex is not a doing more, it’s a being more.

It is about moving away from sex as an ‘act’ or a ‘performance’ and engaging with another with openness and transparency. Rather than ‘doing’ each other or ‘getting each other off’, it’s about both surrendering to the experience. When two people engage in this way you are allowing yourself to explore, express and be known at the deepest levels of your being.

Sex becomes

• mindful, in that your mind is not distracted but is fully present;
• bodyful, in that you are completely embodied, experiencing fully through the whole of your physicality; and it becomes
• soulful, in that you discover the spiritual aspects of sexuality, opening to deeper love, pleasure and transcendence.

Our sexuality has this much potential to be life-affirming and life-enhancing.

Yet in a society that is only just starting to realise that sexuality has this potential, it is hard to find the knowledge and inspiration to explore this realm. Most clinical advice is on functioning genitals, popular pornified advice tends to the ‘bigger, harder, faster’ approach, even in the neo-Tantra world there are many well-meaning but misinformed teachers who approach sexual practices as ways to gain more sensation and ‘achieve’ more, rather than to expand one’s consciousness and self-awareness.

Discovering this side of yourself and your sexuality is liberating, bringing a sense of wholeness and a freedom in living. It’s a process of growing awareness and self-discovery, both of yourself and when done with your partner, of your beloved. As with any meaningful quest, it has its challenges and difficulties, yet always with growth and ultimately transcendence.

It is a journey that I love to guide people on, and encourage you to take. I’ve done much of the hard work for you in gathering the information needed and presenting it in a way that resonates with contemporary people. From my blogs and podcasts, online courses, therapy and coaching sessions and attending workshops and couples retreats, there is so much here to inform and inspire you.

Unite your sexuality and spirituality and transform your self and your life.

So often I hear my clients say that they still love their partner but are no longer in love. Often this is given as the reason for wanting to end an otherwise good relationship. These clients always make this claim with some despondency and with a sense of finality, as though once it’s gone it’s gone.

This is understandable, as it’s a common belief that there is the exciting, passionate ‘in love’ honeymoon period and then there is dreary ‘loving’ companionship ever after. But is this fact or myth? Is loss of ‘in love-ness’ inevitable or can we keep it going?

Well, it’s a huge topic and I’d need more than one blog post to go into details, but essentially the answer is yes, you can cultivate that feeling. The key word here is cultivate. It doesn’t ‘just happen’.

Nothing good in life ‘just happens’, nothing good lasts without focus and attention. You don’t stay fit and healthy if you don’t focus on it, you don’t become wealthy if you don’t pay attention, you don’t develop a good career or business without on-going intent to do so. Yet for some reason when it comes to love and sex, we think it should somehow stay strong without putting any effort in at all. So, we become complacent with each other and not surprisingly drift into feeling like flat-mates.

Now, I have to admit that you’re not going to ever keep quite the intoxicating headiness of a brand-new relationship. I’m not talking about that feeling. I’m talking about a sense of experiencing each other as lovers.

I’ve written previously about how a good relationship is like a tripod, it has three legs, and all three need to be strong for the relationship to be strong.

• The first leg is that you are team-mates in the game of life: you can raise kids, pay a mortgage, get the garbage out on time, handle all the logistics of life.
• The second leg is that you are friends: you enjoy each other’s company, you are each other’s go-to person, you share interests and do interesting things together.
• And the third leg is that you are lovers.

It’s this lover leg that so often gets wobbly due to complacency, apathy and generally not giving your love-life the focus, attention and intent that it needs. Instead of cultivating the garden of intimacy, it’s allowed to wither and die.

I want to make a very important point here. I’m not just talking about you having sex. That alone does not make you truly lovers and truly in love. You can have sex without love, and countless couples engage in uninspiring ‘same old’ boring sex, often accompanied by feelings of obligation. That is very far from what I’m talking about.

The way I like to describe the feeling of being true lovers, of keeping the lover feeling strong, is that you infuse your love with your sexual energy.By this I don’t mean ‘horniness’, I mean an energy that rises from your pelvis into your heart that is vital, alive, that has a zest and frisson to it. When you infuse the warm loving feeling you have for your partner with this vital energy, you create a unique frequency between you.

With this awareness you maintain a sense of ‘oh, it’s you’. It’s a regard you have for your partner that is different from anyone else in your life. It’s there in the way you see your partner, how you look at each other, how you greet each other, how you touch each other, how you address each other, how you relate to each other, and how you jointly prioritise your relationship above all else.

This is not easy! It doesn’t ‘just happen’. It takes intent and conscious focus. The good news is though, that the kinds of things you have to do cultivate this approach to each other are all enjoyable, engaging and rejuvenating. The challenge is to realise you need to take this approach and then actively engage in it.

Remember though, you’re both in this, and it’s easier to keep the focus when you’re supporting each other to do it. Then over time it does become more natural and easier and the feeling of being in love goes on and on.

So, get cultivating and stay loved-up for the long term!

To help you along the way, I recommend you attend my three-day Couples Retreat in the Blue Mountains, or five-day Couples Retreat in Bali!