I like to divide sexual encounters in a long-term relationship into three types:
Simple Sex – short and comforting
Sensual Sex - luscious and bonding
Spicy Sex – exciting and adventurous
Simple Sex, also known as Cup of Tea Sex, is that nice snuggle under the covers, nothing unexpected, nothing wild. You know each other, you know what works, you have a satisfying time. No great fireworks, but it’s good. Like a cup of tea: simple, warm and comforting.
But a sexual diet of just Simple Sex is pretty dull. And if there’s not a good connection, it will feel empty.
Sensual Sex is when you take the time to create a gorgeous atmosphere and take the time to enjoys each others’ bodies in a sensual and loving manner. In this way the sex becomes very connecting, very bonding, very deep. This is the essence of Tantric sex, and with practice can lead to ecstatic states of being.
Which is wonderful and wholesome, but can do with some spicing up at times.
Spicy Sex is when you push your boundaries and do things that you find a real turn on (if a little intimidating!). What that is will depend on you and your own desires.
Spicy Sex could be as simple as introducing a sex toy to your sexual play, or starting with a slow striptease. It could be planning a weekend away and then visiting the vineyards knowing you or your partner has no knickers on. It could be visiting a sex store and bringing home something new and unusual (“Now just how does this bondage tape stuff work?”) It could be visiting a Swinger’s Lounge. It could be having a nude dinner party, either the two of you alone or inviting some of your better friends… The possibilities are endless. But keep in mind that Spicy Sex doesn’t just happen; it requires your creativity and your intention.
Now, given the reality of modern lives, it’s unlikely that every sexual encounter is going to be Spicy Sex. Apart from the time involved, it would be like eating gourmet food all the time, which can get a little wearying. Depending on your circumstances, Spicy Sex could be an annual weekend away, or it could be a monthly “challenge” where you take it in turns to create a “Spicy Saturday In”.
However, if you think Spicy Sex is the great aim, you’ll have trouble getting there without the Sensual Sex. Because as I’ve so often written about before, I believe that for a couple to be open enough with each other that they can be real about their desires, they have to be truly open to each other, and you need sensual connection for that. I encourage couples to set aside some 'us time' once a week to have a more extended intimate encounter. Start with a bath; light candles; play music that moves your soul; spend time touching each other; hold each others’ gaze as you move slowly together in intercourse. Experience the ecstatic sensations of the valleys of sex, rather than just the intense peaks. Feel the deliciousness of it all. Experiment with blindfolds or restraint to heighten the sensory arousal, add sensory elements of taste, sound, touch and smell.
Really lose yourselves in the experience.
So, maybe you could aim for Spicy Sex once a month, Sensual Sex once a week and Simple Sex once or twice a week. I can’t be prescriptive though. So let’s say plenty of nice Simple Sex, regular Sensual Sex, all interspersed with some Spicy Sex now and again.
Having said that, the three categories don’t have to be mutually exclusive. A late night quickie under the covers is Simple Sex, but it can also feel very sensual if for example you light a candle by the bed and look deeply into your partner’s eyes as you make love. Or a quickie in the bathroom while your kids are having their porridge can certainly have elements of Spice (a la naughty teenagers trying not be caught). Ideally a Sensual Sex session will be highly erotic and you can swing between the intensities of the peaks of sex and the exquisiteness of the valleys.
It’s all good! So allow for all types of sex in your life, from the simple to the spicy (whatever that is for you) and you’ll keep your sexual connection strong and your life so much more satisfying.