One of the absolute keys to good sex is the ability to let go, to surrender to the experience.
I'm going to speak directly to female readers here, because I find that women have more trouble in this area. Yet it’s actually more important that the woman let go for the couple to be able to reach heightened states of arousal and pleasure.
Essentially what women need to do is allow for self-indulgence.
Now there are some ‘precious princesses’ out there who are all about self-indulgence: me, me, me. I'm not talking about them. I’m talking about all those women I see in my clinic and at workshops and in the street and in the school playground, etc, who can’t allow themselves to indulge. Especially sexually. read more...
The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!
For generations we raised our girl children to think they’re not sexual, that they shouldn’t be sexual, and if they were sexual - stoning or burning them to death or locking them away in insane asylums. Women didn’t have a chance to explore their sexuality, and neither did their partners.
So, with no alternative, when a man married he basically kept on doing with his wife what he’d been doing with himself for years - masturbating. Since puberty the adolescent boy had been stroking his penis as fast as he could until he ejaculated. So when he got a female partner, not knowing any better, he kept doing that inside her.
Essentially men were masturbating inside their wives.
When your vagina is relaxed and receptive it becomes the most amazingly sensitive organ, capable of experiencing subtle energies and generating beautifully exquisite sensations. Unfortunately, as the standard model of sex is for vigorous thrusting into the vagina, our vaginas tend to become “hardened” to subtlety.
Also, because of the focus on the clitoris, the vagina can get neglected. To the extent that some people feel that the clitoris is the only important sex organ for a woman and that the vagina is simply a vessel for the man’s penis to enjoy. So most of the attention goes on to the clitoris, with strong stimulation there to the point of orgasm, followed by intercourse until he comes. The clitoris is very wonderful, of course! But so is the vagina. I’d like you to reclaim your vagina as the wonderful, sensitive organ that it can be. read more...
To awaken your body to subtlety and exquisite sensation, you need to have heightened sensitivity. This takes strong connection and deep feeling. There’s no way you’d get that level of connection and feeling through being passive. read more...
Let’s take a look at the widely held myth that women are not naturally promiscuous.
First, a few biological facts:
It seems to me that too much porn is making men less masculine and it’s making women less feminine*.
To have the ecstatic sexual experiences all women are capable of requires a woman to be soft, receptive, yielding. She has to feel safe enough to be completely vulnerable and thereby open herself up utterly.
Is that what we see in porn? Uh … no.
Now don’t get me wrong, when I describe a highly sexual woman in this way, I don’t mean the only sex she likes is incredibly soft. It can also be wild and wanton and absolutely full of abandon.
In fact, when a woman gets to her ultimate sexually, she becomes wild and free and completely unconstrained. That can lead to frenzied, passionate, delirious responses or it can lead to utter stillness with ecstatic sensations infusing the body with delectable pleasure, or anywhere in between. The thing is that it’s a true and real expression of a woman who feels confident enough in herself and in her partner to be able to go there.
Soft, rounded curves of femininity: breasts are the archetypal symbol of womanliness.
It’s probably the reason we women have so much trouble with them! They’re too small or too big, too saggy or the nipples are funny… We don’t pay them a lot of attention, and when we do, it’s generally negative thoughts.
In the Tantric tradition though, a woman’s breasts are her positive pole, and it’s essential that we focus positively on our positive pole (and that our partners do too). read more...
When a woman gets to a level of arousal where she’s in a different ‘zone’ - love-drunk, in a heightened state, an altered state of consciousness - the sex changes.
There’s a different energy in that state, strange things happen. You can become aware of different sensations in your body: feelings of ecstasy and rapture, of transport and transcendence.
The description of this state sounds almost religious. read more...
I had an interesting few days recently, running a workshop for women, followed two days later with a seminar for men.
For me it was truly wonderful to work with a group of 16 women over two days and feel and see them come more fully into the strength and softness of their femininity, and become more sexually confident and expressive. Such gorgeous strong feminine women!
And then two days later to work with a group of 15 men for an evening of coming into the strength and softness of their masculinity, becoming more sexually confident and (according to feedback from participants and/or their partners) more sexually expressive. Such gorgeous strong masculine men! read more...
I had a male client complain to me recently that after five years he still couldn’t get his girlfriend to want or enjoy sex. He said he’d tried everything - even anal sex and fisting, and she still wasn’t interested…
Oh boy, I think this guy was confusing sex with a porn shoot.
The poor girlfriend wasn’t frigid, she just wasn’t ready! Fortunately she was trusting her body and saying no, rather than going ahead and traumatizing herself. read more...
- The Three Phases of Conscious Relationship Evolution
- Allow Self-Indulgence
- Are You Relationship-Oriented?
- Tantra: Sex Through Non-Sex
- A Multitude of Orgasmic Possibilities
- Sink In to Sync In
- Penises - does size really matter?
- A History of Sexual Misinformation
- The Adolescent Male Masturbatory Model of Sex
- Merge Sex & Love Energies for Potent Connection
- Sex is a Normal Part of Life
- We Judge ‘Normal’ Sex Based on Our Own Experiences
- How Do I Love Thee? Let me count the ways...
- Project 'Great Sex'
- Beforeplay Suggestions
to my LOVELIFE blog for regular inspiration on sex, love and intimacy!