The Tantra Fusion Blog

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Feminine and masculine; dominant and submissive; active and receptive; spiritual and physical; hard and soft; intense and subtle; light and dark; slow and fast; quick and prolonged; peaks and valleys….

These are all elements of Yin and Yang, the coming together of equal, complementary opposites to make a united whole. They are also all elements of sexual potential.

 The ancient Taoists of China understood this, so the sexual understandings and practices that have come from that period of time are about balance and equality and lead to ecstatic sexual experiences that are health-and life-enhancing.

 The Tantrics of India had similar practices, which also created a harmonious whole from the meeting of Yin and Yang (although in my experience many modern Western practitioners of Tantra are way too Yin, but that’s another story).

The West though, has been dominated by the masculine, or the Yang elements, leading to a dysfunctionally dominant male and a dysfunctionally submissive feminine. This applied to the whole of society as much as to sex.

As I’ve explained before, with the social changes of the 1970’s, we got more apparent equality, but we haven’t really strengthened the Yin in society, and therefore in our sexuality. The whole approach to sex (see my article the Adolescent Male Masturbatory Model of Sex) was, and is becoming, more and more Yang - harder, faster, louder. Just look at porn these days to see how Yang it is.

Yang is good; but not without the balance of Yin. A sexuality that is based solely on the Yang elements will get boring over time, requiring more and more intensity for satisfaction. Balance it with Yin elements, and you can have wonderful sex forever.

The key is equality between the Yin and the Yang: there is no need for judgement about what is right or wrong when there is equality. Male equal to female; receptive equal to active; submissive equal to dominant (I prefer the term ‘commanding’). So when two people come together in sexual intimacy, they come together as Yin and Yang, complementary equals, and their sexual play is a dance of polarities - peaks and valleys, intense and subtle, active and receptive, commanding and submissive.

To be able to meet as complementary equals and to be able to play with the polarities of Yin and Yang, requires you to be balanced within yourself, to be whole. You may have preference of expression, more one than the other, if your partner complements that expression; but within, you have both: hard and soft, tender and firm, vulnerable and protective.

Would you like to learn more about the yin and the yang of sex? Then book into my Tantra Fusion Workshops, or have private sex therapy and coaching sessions.

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You might not be quite sure where it is, but you’ve probably heard of the G-spot. Are you aware that there are other ‘spots’ in the vagina too?

It’s good to know the geography of your own or your partner’s vagina - there are some good spots in there! The G-spot is the one that gets all the press these days, there are whole books written about it. To be honest though, it’s not the favourite part of my vagina. It’s good, but for me the O-spot is better, and the A-spot is best of all! So where are these spots?

Ok, let’s start with some basic navigation of the vagina. Start with you or your partner lying on her back. Then insert your middle finger into the vagina. You’ll notice that on the tummy side of the vagina it feels like there is a corrugated ridge running from the entrance back into the vagina along the front wall. This is the urethral sponge, the engorging material that surrounds the urethra. As a woman becomes more aroused the urethral sponge engorges with blood and protrudes further into the vagina.

From now on, unless you’re very flexible, I’ll give the instructions for the person who’s inserting their finger into someone else’s vagina. If you’re doing it on your own, you may be able to reach these spots if you’ve got a short vagina and/or long fingers. Otherwise use a dildo for your explorations.

G-Spot

Follow the ridge of urethral sponge back into your vagina to the point where it disappears and hook your finger onto the edge. This is the famous G-spot. (As I’ve explained in another post, the whole urethral sponge is sometimes called the G-spot, and while pressure on the whole ridge feels good, the actual ‘spot’ is at the far end.) So, with your finger hooked so the pad of the first knuckle faces back towards the vaginal opening, press and pull.

A-Spot (also called the AFE-spot)

Still with your finger hooked to touch the G-spot, straighten your finger and insert deeper into the vagina, angled in and up so as to touch the front wall of the vagina a little further in than the G-spot, and a little to her left. It’s in front of the cervix in the soft tissue there. (The cervix is the knob-like protuberance with a dimple in the middle that you can feel at the end of the vagina). It’s a very arousing spot, which you’ll find with focused prodding,

O-Spot
From the A-spot, turn your hand around so it’s facing down and move your finger around the cervix until you’re on the other, with your fingertip touching the back side of the vagina. It’s opposite the A-spot. This area feels like an open cul-de-sac as this part of the vagina balloons open when a woman is aroused. Poke around there (in a sensual and loving way) and you may well find a good spot there as well.

Every woman is different, so get to know your or your partner’s vagina well. Start by locating the various good spots (and she may have others as yet uncharted), then in the next post I’ll look at how to stimulate those spots for utmost pleasure…

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…the word that is, not the act.

I detest the use of the word ‘penetration’ in relation to intercourse. It’s such an aggressive term. Think about it, what’s a woman going to do if she’s about to be penetrated by a penis? Raise the barricades! Batten down the hatches! Start defensive manoeuvres! She’s certainly not going to open up, invite in and welcome the penis into her depths. I’ve helped women overcome their fear of sex, painful intercourse and vaginismus simply by changing their language around sex.

Even for woman without sexual fears, thinking about intercourse as ‘penetration’ can cause a hardening of the vagina and tensing of the genital area. And causes her to guard herself against the man.

When in fact for good sex you want the woman to open herself to her man and invite him in. She needs to be good and ready so that she really wants his penis inside her. If she’s not ready and yearning for it then sex is not going to be good.

Good sex is about two people connecting. The penis enters the vagina and the vagina envelops and embraces the penis. It’s a two-way mutual experience.

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There’s a wise old saying about spiritual and personal growth: first there is the mountain, then there is no mountain, then there is the mountain again.

What this means is that you have normality, then that disappears while you grow and experience the opposite, and then it comes back again as you integrate the two. But it’s not the same reality, it might look the same but. the experience of it is quite different.

If we’re talking about sex and intimacy, and human sexual potential, then the process is the same.

At first we do standard sex, which generally means focusing on the physical, generally in our heads. You’ll have heard me describe this in various ways: the performance model of sex, the adolescent male masterbatory model of sex. This is level one sex, where you focus on the ‘peaks’ of sex, the ‘bigger-harder-faster’. Level one sex is about technique, sexual excitation and explosive orgasms. This is the mountain you start with.

Then you realise that this type of sex is not entirely satisfying, there has to be more. So you start to explore a deeper approach to sex. You may find that you are attracted to Tantra, with its mindful approach to love-making. You find yourselves slowing down, taking time to connect and to build eroticism. This is level two love-making. This is where you become aware of the ‘valleys’ of sex, where the sensual and subtle create feelings of ecstacy. This is where the mountain disappears, sex is not what it was.

Then the mountain reappears as you combine both the peaks and valleys of sex. But these are not the same peaks you knew before you discovered the valleys. These are peaks of sexual intensity that come with great presence and connection. You swing between the peaks of sexual intensity and the valleys of sexual bliss, in a flow of love-making that has no plan or expectation. This is stage three lovemaking, and it is truly awesome.

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So often people contact me to say that they want to come in for private sex therapy and coaching sessions, or that they want to attend one of my Tantra Fusion workshops….but their partner doesn’t.

“How can I persuade him/her to come along?” they plead.

It’s a tricky one. You love your partner and you want to improve your sexual connection and through that your life together. You’re willing to open up to me in private sessions, or expose yourself in a group situation (not literally, my workshops are decidedly clothes on!), yet your partner is reluctant.

There are a number of reasons why your partner might be reluctant:
- S/He thinks you’ve got the problem not them;
- S/He assumes anything to do with sex will be sordid and so don’t want to be involved;
- S/He doesn’t think sex is important so can’t see why you’d want to change or improve anything;
- S/He is unwilling to go to sex therapy because they are too embarrassed to talk about sex in front of another person, even a professional sex therapist;
- S/He is unwilling to attend a Tantra Fusion Workshop because they think it’ll be embarrassing.

Often it just comes down to fear, in which case gentle persuasion over time can be helpful. You can start sex therapy on your own, and once you start reporting back to your partner that it’s ok, that I’m easy to talk to and that the sessions are positive and uplifting, then your partner may agree to come along.

If it’s not fear, it can be that they are simply not into you. They may mask that by saying that sex isn’t important or that you’ve got the problem not them, but essentially they are saying they don’t think your relationship is important enough to prioritise and work on. So you can put up with that and do nothing, go along as you have been, nothing changing (or least, nothing improving, it can always get worse), or you can make a stand and insist that it is important. If he or she still won’t be involved, well, what can I say, it’s up to you to decide whether their level of commitment to the relationship is enough for you.

Whew, that was a bit heavy! It’s a shame, because the workshops are beautiful and uplifting, and the private sessions are engaging and useful. Of course, my particular style of therapy or my workshops may not be for everyone, but once you’ve found someone good to work with, well, the sky’s the limit. Improving your sexual relating improves your relationship, which improves your life. Sex and intimacy is so fundamental to it all.

So if your partner is reluctant, come along on your own, to sessions and workshops. The change in you will inspire them to join in. And if it doesn’t, well, you’ll have grown to the point of being able to make a decision about what is right for you.

Available as a podcast: download here!

There’s a misbelief that Tantra takes a long time, that it requires hours of sensual, ecstatic pleasuring. It can be, but it can also be quick.

Tantric sex is not about the amount of time that it takes, it’s about the presence that it’s done with. When two people come together with mindfulness, when they are completely present with every movement, when their love-making is a flowing dance - it doesn’t matter if it’s a gentle snuggle under the sheets late at night or early morning, or if it’s a rough and vigorous ravishing, or indeed hours of sensuality, it’s the dance and flow of connected energy between the parties. (This applies just as much to solo sex and group sex.)

If you are new to the Tantric or mindful approach to sex you may need to take time to truly connect, engaging in breath and sensual touch activities to allow yourself to ‘sink in to sync in’ as I described in the previous post.

If you are experienced with this work then you may need no preparation at all, the sinking in to yourself and the syncing in between you happens in moments. Personally I love it in the morning when my lover rolls over to cuddle me and I invite his penis in with no preparation, often it’s not even particularly hard. We can lie there together with little or no movement, at other times it moves into some serious ravishing! But it doesn’t last long because the day looms.

That’s the beauty of the Tantric mindful approach, you can engage in the bathroom while the kids are having their breakfast, you can nip into a spare room while out at a party, in the car, before you get up, as you’re getting ready to go out.

It’s not about orgasm, about needing to ‘get off’; it’s about connection and generating a yummy sexual energy within and between you.

In fact you need to have these quick and deep connections, it’s all part of keeping the connection between you strong, keeping the ‘mmm’ factor alive in your relationship. It also keeps the woman’s ‘water energy’ simmering, so she’s open and receptive and coming from a place of ‘yes!’ - or reigniting his ‘fire energy’ if his spark has gone out.

It’s really about having a seamless transition between all aspects of life; allow life to flow rather than putting all your energy into controlling it. 

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I received a passionate response from a man in relation to my recent blog post “Feminine Receptivity and the Go-Getter Kind of Girl”: 

"...But they don’t achieve in a driven, masculine way, it’s a more flowing (and dare I say effective) approach to getting things done." Of course you may dare! You go girl! After all, it's the norm these days to talk about how much better women are than men. For us men it's just one more cut in a death by a thousand cuts, just one more tiny little put down to be suffered amongst so many other tiny little put downs. While women go from strength to strength we men are becoming more and more devalued and increasingly have nowhere to turn, no-one singing our praises, lifting us up.

"And importantly, they don’t ‘do’ anything to catch a man, rather they allow him to prove himself. A woman who is truly in her feminine knows her value and worth, she’s no eager beaver..." And yet a man presumably cannot just know his own value and worth and let women prove themselves to him? Sorry, you do write wonderful articles, but I think I might be saying something that all men feel these days, but don't know how to express.”

All good points, and I agree. That blog was written in response to a specific question about whether strong successful women can be feminine, so was written focusing on women. Let me look at the situation from both points of view.

For so long our society has devalued the feminine and lauded the masculine. Which meant that for centuries we had an overly dominant masculine, one that was very patriarchal, all about control and dominance; and we had an overly weak feminine, one that was pathetic, weak and dependent.

With the social changes of the 1970’s women rightly declared that they were sick of being second-class citizens, they declared they were as good as men and set out to prove that they could be just like men.

This gained more social equality, which is good, but it did nothing to raise the value of the feminine. What happened was that women bought into the existing patriarchal paradigm of dominant masculine and weak feminine - and became like dominant men. There was no raising of the value of the feminine, no strengthening of the feminine within women, so that men and women could be equal but different. It became 'equal and same', the masculine was still dominant.

Fortunately there has been a realisation that this is not balanced and healthy. It is confusing for people, it does not allow for positive relationships between men and women, it does not allow the beautiful complementarity between the sexes, it enhances the ‘battle’ of the sexes.

Men struggle with this and women struggle with this. Women tend to be either in the dysfunctional masculine role of dominance and feel they have to be cold hard bitches who look down on men and play games with them, or they’re still in the old paradigm of being ‘feminine’ and therefore weak and pathetic. Men are struggling with being masculine; knowing that the dominant macho approach is unacceptable, so often retreat into a pathetic ‘feminine’ role.

Both sexes are confused. Women don’t know how to feel and express their femininity in a strong and powerful way, and men don’t know how to express their masculinity in a strong and powerful way. My work is about enabling people to get to this state of empowerment.

When a woman is fully in her feminine, soft on the outside and strong on the inside, she isn’t a hard bitch scaring the men off, nor is she an eager beaver wanting to please any man just so he’ll like her. She will be open and receptive to men’s interest, without feeling a need to be either disdainful or needy. She’ll take her time to let him show who he is, to see if there is a connection, and once she knows there is a connection, she will know that he is worthy to be chosen by her, then she will go with him.

When a man is fully in his masculine, strong on the outside and soft on the inside, he won’t feel he needs to be a macho man who plays with women and uses them, nor will he be a eager beaver, happy to go along with any woman who shows the slightest inkling of interest in him. He will approach a woman with strength and honesty, no game playing, taking his time to get to know her and establish a connection between them. If there is a connection, he will ‘choose’ her and he will want to know that she is choosing him. No game-playing, no neediness, just two equals meeting and allowing each other to connect, and if there is connection, then to take it further.

That is why a man who is in his masculine will want a choosy woman, a woman who feels he is worthy of her, because that is a woman who is worthy of him.

Available as a podcast: download here!

It’s Autumn, that “season of mists and mellow fruitfulness” to quote Keats. It’s a time of ripening and reaching fulfilment - doesn’t that sound so sexual!

It’s not an intense, fiery time of year though, and as regular readers will well know, I don’t advocate an overly intense approach to sex. Too many people go too soon too quickly, without allowing the time for the ‘ripening’ and so can’t achieve real sexual fulfilment.

This takes connection, a ‘sinking in’ within oneself and with each other. It’s different to the rapid approach to sexual excitation, which is the more normal mode in this society. With this sinking in comes a great connection, a ‘syncing in’, where you can let go and really feel each other, really tune in and the two do become one. 

This is so different to the ‘performance’ approach so many people are trapped in, with each person in their head, wondering if they’re doing the right thing, responding in the right way, etc, etc.

With sinking in to sync in, it’s not about the head, it’s about two bodies moving in union, in an unstructured flow of pleasure. No expectations, no focus on orgasm, it’s just about the pleasure. And that pleasure can be slow and sensual or intense and hard, it can be short or it can continue for hours. It simply is what it is.

It’s about mindfulness, being present in the moment. Using your breath, your awareness, stilling the monkey chatter, letting go of distractions, and simply being there, allowing your eroticism to express in whatever way is real.

So in this mellow season, take the time to sink in, to connect mindfully and with presence. It’s awesome!

Available as a podcast: download here!
I was in session with a wonderful couple recently. Like so many of my clients they really love each other, want to stay together, but the sex has waned to the point of non-existence.

With couples in this situation, there’s normally a lot of ‘undoing’ to be done before they can move forward sexually. They have to overcome the years of complacency and misunderstandings, unvoiced expectations, swallowed hurts, even to be able to come to a place of commonality from where they can stand firm together, hand in hand, looking in the same direction. Then the intimacy, eroticism and true desire can begin!

But it’s not easy. In fact, it’s hard slog. The path of reconnecting is not for the faint-hearted. You have to be vulnerable, you have to hear what you don’t want to hear, you have to bare your soul. You will feel you’re making progress, and then it will appear to crash in a heap and you have to pick yourself up and keep going.

The couple I mentioned were experiencing that, and were keeping on keeping on. They were feeling a bit despondent about it, until I explained it was a normal part of the process. Then the husband’s eyes lit up and he exclaimed: “This is our Kilimanjaro Walk!”

He went on to explain, that to climb Mount Kilimanjaro, it’s so gruelling, that the only way to make it to the top is to be very present in the now, taking each step one at a time. If you were to try to contemplate the whole journey it would be too overwhelming and you’d never even try. Keep on keeping on, regardless of stumbles and falls and exhaustion and bewilderment as to why you were crazy enough even to start - and you’ll get there. With this approach you can put up with the difficulties and can appreciate the beauty of the path, you can stop and acknowledge how far you’ve come without being overcome by how far you still have to go, and eventually you will get there.

The path to sexual reconnection - it’s every couple’s Kilimanjaro Walk.

To help you on your way to sexual connection, have private sessions with me, or attend a Couple's Tantra Fusion Workshop.

Available as a podcast: download here!
Since I am a go-getter kind of a gal, I was asked recently to comment on the view that too many women in the West are too actively doing things to be able to attract a man, that “if you have a feminine core, your natural essence isn't to pursue, but to be pursued.” The implication in the question was that if you’re out there and active in the world, then you couldn’t have the receptive feminine core. 

Completely wrong! There is no contradiction in being feminine and active in the world. Being in your feminine means to be soft on the outside and strong on the inside, allowing your inner feminine strength to radiate out. Women who are aligned like this are strong, and they do achieve in the world. But they don’t achieve in a driven, masculine way, it’s a more flowing (and dare I say effective) approach to getting things done.

And importantly, they don’t ‘do’ anything to catch a man, rather they allow him to prove himself. A woman who is truly in her feminine knows her value and worth, she’s no eager beaver desperate for any man to like her, or a conniving fox playing games to win over a man. Oh no, she knows who she is, she shows the world who she is, and the right men are attracted to her. Then she can be selective.